I'm not your standard, clueless guy. Why should you contact me?

--I don't own a knife or sword collection.
--I don't own exotic snakes, rats, or tarantulas.
--I've got no felony priors, outstanding warrants, DUIs or restraining orders.
--I don't play videogames.
--I've no history of drug abuse (just the phenylketonurics in diet soda).
--I've no 'outpatient conditions'.
--I have my own apartment--no family, curfew, or roomies. I walk around naked whenever I want and make as much NOISE as I want.
--I have TWO eyebrows.
--I always scrub behind my ears and floss regularly.
--I don't wear gold chains, pinkie rings, or big watches with shiny metal bands.
--I don't wear heavy, musky colognes, (or ones with 'secret pheromone attractors').
--I've never had an interest in taxidermy.
--I can dance (if they play SAMBA!!!)
--I've no hair on my back (or in my nose or ears).
--I keep my navel lint-free. Very important.
--I've been told that I have very nice feet. Next question: Yes.
--Kids and animals usually like me. And I usually like kids and animals.
--I have no tattoos or piercings (penis is not pierced either)
--I'll never ask you for a personal loan.
--I can kiss pretty well, no slobber, no vacuuming off your make-up.
--I can cook a meal on my own without reading instructions.
--I always 'put the seat down' after use (if you're visiting).
--I get the tab for all meals, and I always tip 20% (don't argue!)
--I can almost dress myself in coordinated colors some of the time.
--I've never struck a woman (anywhere except on the butt).
--I won't try to discover your cup-size in our first conversation.
--I'll never try to get you, me, and your best friend from school all in the same bed together.
--I'll never ask if I can wear your lingerie.
--I don't need to watch ALL of Spike Channel's, "24 Hour Eastwood Marathon". Just most.
--I won't invite myself over for full-on sex after only speaking to you for fifteen minutes.
--I've never sat down to eat dinner without a shirt on.
--Or forked a bite from someone's plate without asking.
--I would not insist on watching a football game instead of conversing with you about why your cat is treating you so badly.
--As long as it's not the playoffs.
--I won't wear fireman's suspenders for you (sorry, freaks)
--I'm never pushy or selfish, and I'm not down with jealousy or greed.
--I don't throw temper-tantrums or meltdown under stress.
--I'm not self-centered, controlling, or obsessive.
--My Robert Wagner impersonation--you may ruin your dress!

My Major Faults: I don't ride a motorcycle, or own black leather; I don't know how to use dryer sheets or bleach, I don't know how to shop for clothes or shoes. All my plants are plastic; I don't own a colander or a salad-spinner, and I have pairs of underwear that are more than four years old and which look as if they've been clawed by wild animals.


My latest scheme involves taking over the city and holding it for just $151.17 dollars ransom. If interested, signal me from a zodiac boat at 1300 hours off the coast of Brooklyn. I need a henchwoman who can throw a good grappling hook and operate a helium-neon laser.

(Hah! They said I was mad at the university--the fools! They will bow to my will! I swear it!)

Where websites are concerned, experience has taught me to avoid lengthy build-ups and elaborate 'first dates'. Better to just quickly arrange a face-to-face sit-down in Manhattan somewhere. Simple: a brief meeting for a slice of pie, or a couple of cafe drinks. Someplace where we don't have to shout to be heard; because there will be a huge emphasis on conversation. I like to probe and dig.

Two requests only: First, please know what it is that you want--as in, do you want a good, regular guy in your life? Second: how much do you want this? Are you seriously looking or just "sampling"? NYC women are brutal with this 'buffet-style' behavior.

Next: glam looks don't always dazzle me. Warmth, smarts, attitudes and values matter. I trust straightforward, genuine, girl-next-door types more than high-maintenance 'club babes'.

Thumbs down: agendas & laundry-lists, demands and expectations. Not knowing what you want; or else, 'over-filtering'. Playing the field; playing the "Sex and the City" lifestyle. Being dissatisfied with every man because you can't find one that fits a mysterious template-of-perfection.

Thumbs up: ability to laugh at yourself. Self-awareness. Self-sufficiency. Good communication skills. The knack of reading men accurately. Ideals, opinions, passions, appetites, hobbies.

If you have a background wildly different than mine, awesome. I like learning things!