I woke up and had thoughts today. Well, I think they were thoughts; I have so few of them thus it’s hard to distinguish between actual thoughts and those pesky voices in my head!

OK, I lied. NONE of the pics are of me. I don’t photograph well. The camera doesn’t like me because I’m homely. I have: squinty eyes; oily skin; matted hair; a scraggly beard; ear hair; missing teeth; skinny legs; bad breath; no shoulders; thin lips; man boobs; a staggering gate; skin infections; stubby fingers; nose hair; boils; cracked fingernails; enormous feet; a pealing crust; yellowed toenails; a foot fungus that will not go away; and sometimes I’m contagious.

So now that you know the truth, it’s only fair that I tell you what kind of woman I need to date. Please write to me if you have: a mustache; missing digits; no boobs; thin scraggly hair; a roving eye; buck teeth; a lisp; blotchy skin; a huge nose; sunken eye sockets; both arms that appear to hang real low; a real pronounced bubble butt; a stink that will not wash off and you kind of tilt to one side. You'll need to be seriously needy too and unable to focus your eyes very well. I mean, just look at me; I can't be too picky. Drooling is OK, everyone does at one point.

BTW I need more head games. I need that woman who'll mess with my head and drive me nuts. When her life is in turmoil I can completely stop my life to soothe her battered ego. Jealous head cases are encouraged; I can totally stand being nagged at for I feed off negativity so, bring it on.

In summary, I am a man with a big heart and am extremely giving. If you take advantage of me, I‘ll be happy to torture you right back. In fact, I look forward to it for I am a merciless tickler. Merciless. Honest. I get great joy out of it! And I'll laugh while I'm tickling you too. Just ask my daughter!

For fun: I torture teenagers with obvious statements; I look for frogs with my bi-nocks; I make big, giant, huge, enormous sand castles; I cause sudden laughter in children; I ask silly questions of very serious people; I answer the telephone "Hi, Is Bob There?"; I "borrow" people's cameras and take pictures of my feet then I return it without them knowing; and I meticulously insert false and incorrect information about myself into the various information systems that control my fate. Why not, hundreds of firms in America sell or lose your personal information to criminals all the time, why not sabotage the info before they can open yet another credit card.

The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams.

Frankly, this is probably the best road I've been on in a while. So much accomplished with much more to go. It is a great life.

- I like rice. I like rice when I'm hungry and want 2,000 of something.
- What if the hokey-pokey is really what it's all about?
- The ride stopped but, I'm still swirling.
- I have a sense of urgency about calculated risk. It's an integrity thing.
- I took a psychological profile test and it said I was normal. Ahhahaahha
- I just realized I have a Giant forehead.
- I have a 20 year old daughter. Somebody shoot me. Please.
- IMHO, money actually does buy happiness. Chocolate ho-hos!
- I've got an itch.
- Ants invaded my bathroom.
- My best characteristic? I bathe daily. Honest. I swear.
- My worst flaw? I keep my house clean.
- I love to and want to cook.
- Someone didn't just move my cheese, they stole it!
- Frogs are everywhere.
- I saw a cow in a field today.
- All the bucks stop with me. Send more.
- Security device enclosed.
- I cannot fly without assistance.
- Naah naaah naaaah naaaaah naaaah.
- And Yes, they are happy I escaped.
- Life is short. Dance naked and wiggle your butt.
- For Entertainment Purposes Only! (NOT me, this thing!!! LOL)

Top 100 Reasons to date me.
100. I am a man
99. can tell time
98. rarely naked in public
97. drinks from the hose
96. wears rose colored glasses at times
95. likes the early morning
94. goes by different names, but never Bubba
93. has a drivers license
92. doesn’t melt in the rain
91. misbehaves regularly
90. sings well. Not fantastic, just well

89. makes funny faces
88. snores on occasion
87. willing to talk, sometimes grunts
86. has shoes
85. keeps keys on a ring
84. usually parks between the lines
83. knows shopping can be a competitive sport
82. optimistic pessimist
81. applies fundamental reasoning
80. gets distracted by boobs
79. runs with scissors occasionally
78. knows cows and horses are different animals
77. is amazed by high heels
76. lets the telephone ring
75. eats with utensils
74. gives lots of chances
73. vacuums once a week
72. goes fishing and has tools
71. puedo leer, escribir, y hablar espanol mal!
70. can make real mud pies
69. wears underwear
68. sometimes thinks out loud
67. doesn’t require much ointment
66. uses a toothbrush
65. can make babies, has proof
64. requires some direction
63. can add and subtract
62. folds laundry
61. breaks highway speed limit
60. doesn’t wear makeup
59. laughs with little kids
58. smiles a lot
57. has real good aim
56. usually comes inside when it rains
55. bathes and washes face
54. looks before running into the street
53. reads, writes and speaks English
52. knows which buttons do what
51. and which ones to push
50. owns a Tuxedo
49. doesn’t always color within the lines
48. not a space waster
47. can get that mustache and goatee thing going with 1 weeks notice
46. contributes
45. stops at the park for fun
44. can roll tongue
43. makes paper airplanes
42. has lost bets. And won a few too
41. rocks and rolls
40. dresses self
39. runs through the grass barefoot
38. uses made-up words for fun
37. laughs at self
36. knows flip-flops aren’t for every occasion
35. dances funny
34. has good timing
33. voted for Pedro
32. reads directions
31. has hammer and will use it
30. willing and able
29. usually on time
28. recycles stuff
27. does hand puppets
26. sends postcards (with made up stories of course)
25. stares at the Moon
24. patient waiter
23. has not ever waxed
22. can tie shoes and button shirts
21. says “Wow”
20. only farts when appropriate
19. can see his feet
18. shaves on Saturday and Sunday
17. not a hairy bear
16. knows "Pinch Butt" shouldn't be played in ALL public places
15. has 2 sets of Good China
14. washes and combs hair regularly
13. doesn't point out your underwear lines
12. washes feet daily
11. knows you are "more special"
10. all appendages and digits are attached
9. knows how the washer and dryer work
8. can find the car keys
7. knows how to use a map
6. will tickle without notice
5. practiced at putting the lid down
4. can do the moonwalk
3. knows every curve is worth kissing
2. changes underwear daily
1. doesn't get PMS!

On a serious note, I have a good sense of humor and I like to make people laugh and smile. I wrote this to make you smile. :)