If you are pressed for time or wish to cut through the humor (God help you), then skip to the last paragraph. Otherwise, I want to thank you for the next ten minutes of your life. I owe you a coke. Or juice, Coco.

Let me just say, I am a strong believer in women's rights. By God, they should have every right to share in the good, bad, and ugly of a relationship. That includes driving. If you live away from the gulf, and we want to go to the beach, girl, start your engine. Seriously, unless you live within half an hour from Palm Harbor, I'm gonna expect you to meet me half way or drive over here sometimes. I got no problem driving into Tampa, to Brandon, other places, but do your fair share.

Taking advantage of a rainy Sunday afternoon to add to my already bloated profile, testing the patience and fortitude of you women out there (and a few cheeky, wayward men, you know who you are). I'd like to pose a question to you: why do so many women smoke down here? Are cigarettes cheaper or something? Is it just because they aren't forced to smoke outside in zero degrees like the Little Match Girl or Oliver? I don't mind dating a smoker but really don't want a long term relationship with one, I want my girl to be around for a long time and healthy.

Another thing (you ready to click that mouse on something else yet? Wait, it gets better), what is up with these pictures some people have posted? Please point out which one is you in these pictures with a cast of hundreds. It's like Where's Waldo?, without the stripey clothes and glasses to tip me off. Also these fuzzy, blurry pictures, looks like sasquatch footage, not sure if they are human, well-groomed ape, or a missing link of some sort. Lastly, I lived through the 80s and can tell if you were in your "like a virgin" or "love is a battlefield" stage, so no passing those pictures off, I'm on to those shenanigans sister. If anyone is left after that tirade, welcome to my profile.

Ever get the feeling that you could totally win American Idol if only you were half as old and could sing really well? That's how I've been feeling lately.

Here's a brief list of domestic chores that I am good at:

1)Washing dishes
2)Windows
3)Taking out trash & recycling
4)Massages (I don't tense up myself but am told I give good ones)
5)Laundry (don't like folding though)
6)Vacuuming, sweeping, mopping
7)Oil changes, washing and waxing cars

That's about it, if you can help with the rest we may have a shot at eternal bliss, or at least a reasonably clean dwelling and less sluggish vehicles.

I am an Iowa transplant, like a heart transplant, only more dependable. So far, I am enjoying being down here. I have lived on both coasts before, in Philly for two years and in California for over three. About 1 1/2 years in San Diego and two in Lemoore, which is an armpit between L.A. and San Fran, only inland. So now it's Florida's turn and I like it best of all the places I've lived. Also lived in the Madison area of Wisconsin for about six years, but that's pretty much the same as Iowa, only more cheese and beer.

What to say here, hmmm. I've been divorced for about two years, dated some but had been splitting my time between Iowa and Wisconsin and not really settled enough to date. That and I told them I was moving to Florida and they looked at me like a circus freak. Dating down here has been interesting, first person I met was transsexual, which is cool, but not for me. It went uphill from there luckily. Many women in Florida just seem to be elated when they meet a guy who is not on drugs, is not bisexual and isn't a drunk. I have all three of those covered, been offered alot of drugs (declined), been hit on by some pretty damn dreamy men (respectfully abstained) and other than a glass of wine with dinner or three drinks or so on a Friday or Saturday night, I'm good. I don't drink too excess, with rare exceptions (high school friends coming to visit for example, but they live 1,300 miles away or more).

Maybe I'm too picky but I'd rather be single than with someone that I just kinda like. It's great to have women friends to go to a movie or have lunch with, or go to auctions together, the beach, whatever, but nothing replaces a real relationship, snuggled up watching a movie, spending the nights together, having that real connection and knowing you are there for each other. The kind of relationship that all of the sudden makes me smile huge when performing a mundane task at work and think about her.

Attracted to women who take reasonably good care of themselves. I find longer hair on women to be more attractive, enjoy trace amounts of 2nd hand smoke but not a steady diet of it. Intelligence and a great sense of humor cannot be over-rated. Love of movies is good, really enjoying long walks, beaches and a variety of different foods is needed. I grew up eating the best farm animals there were (raised our own cows and pigs) and going out for steak does not excite me. Love chinese, mexican, a good gyro, seafood, deep dish pizza, philly cheesesteaks, strombolis, chocolate, ice cream, (yes, I do work out so I can eat this stuff). Have a weakness for librarian types, not alot of makeup, glasses, conservative looking but not boring. Also have gone out with some who couldn't stand still for two minutes downtown without having $50 waved at them. Somewhere in between those two would be nice. I am aging and accept that, not looking for someone in their 20s, can handle that women my age are getting a wrinkle here and there, crow's feet, some sagging is expected, I'd say I look my age, in a healthy and good way. There's nothing wrong with that, some of my high school classmates look like they're ready to keel over, can't wait for the 25 year reunion next year. It's okay to be a grandma at 40 but please don't look like a grandma. Like a wide variety of women I would say, but need honesty and breath of the non-stanky ilk, please brush, floss and invest in a tic-tac.

Tired of the run-of-the-mill descriptions. And I'm tired of people saying "it's what's on the inside that counts." There are attractive people who are active and take care of themselves that also happen to have a soul and heart. Physical attraction is as important as the other types of attraction and genuine chemistry.

My sons are young, ages 6 and 3, so know that and the fact that I have them about half time.

P.S. - Coke offer is void where prohibited and if you got even one decent chuckle or snicker out of this, no pop (soda) for you. Be honest, don't be going all Pinnochio on me now, it cheapens our relationship.

You know, it doesn't really matter. The usual coffee or drinks is fine, or a movie and dinner, a baptism, a wedding, a funeral, a gang initiation, a family get together, I can do it all. A good first date is great, a bad first date is sometimes better because I like telling my family and friends about them and they love to laugh. One of the worst ones I ever had ended with a tour of her vacant house for sale and looking at her wedding album. Then she phone-stalked me for a few months. Nice girl, just needed another year or so to decompress and mellow.

Must not do drugs
Must not be married