If I sent you a message it was probably be a really bad joke and I am sorry. I am really a lot stupider in person than can be typed.

Not to sound egotistical but I think I am the biggest loser ever. I am so not cool that my dead grandmother is cooler than me. And she's dead. I am so good at ruining conversations it's not even funny... wait... yes it is.

Hey when French people who speak English think. Do they think in french or in English? And can they change that? I think I just blew my mind.

I am not a stalker, but if you want to stalk me that'd be cool. I'm not too gassy. Ronald Mcdonald is one unfunny clown. He kills chickens. I am not kidding. That isn't funny. Except when they run around without their heads. I was told I would lose my head if it weren't screwed on. I don't like blood so I made sure it was screwed on.

I like Bill And Ted's excellent Adventure. It is the greatest movie ever. I like Bill Cosby Books. I am not rich. I don't like bigots. Or mosquitoes. I am a misquito sugar daddy.

This one time Matt Perry was running down the street and chickens flew out at him. That is how I'll know when I am in love. Everyone says I would love Dane Cook. I don't know why. I mean he's funny. I don't know.

Have you ever made yourself a couple of sandwiches, ate one and halfway through the second realize it's covered in mold and started to wonder, "Did I leave the stove on?"

HOLY CRAP I LOVE POTATOS!! I want to make the ultimate potato sandwich! Potato bread with a fried hashbrown patty, mash potato spread on top with potato ketchup, with a side of fries and samosa and a tall glass of potato milk (There is such a thing. I was so giddy when i found it).

I have been told I am funny, I'm not so sure of that myself though. I plan on being really fat one day so I can have a rascal. I also plan on owning a dust bunny ranch, but only for pets, not food or fashion. I wear t-shirts and jeans and shoes and boxers. I do not figure skate.

OK. Something has been troubling me lately. If olive oil is from olives, canola oil is from canola, and baby oil is from babies... wheres gargoyle from?!?!

One time my dog was chasing a cat and he ran through a wall. He's died since, but it was still funny. I want to shave the top of my head and get a comb over. Just for practice. Like Donald Trump. Except Not as sexy.

I am not looking for friends with benefits. I think they'd get all snooty when they can pay for the kidney transplant and I can't talk because my teeth are rotting out and then die because I can't afford to get the kidney put in and then they hate me because they spoiled a perfectly good kidney on me. I've never had kidney soup. But I did have liver and onions. My grandparents are British. I think I ate it all but didn't much care for it. I was young.

I play guitar and drums and pretend to sing opera. I don't know how to dance and it is sometimes funny. I like peanut butter. I don't like looking in the mirror, unless I am brushing my teeth or shaving or singing into my hairbrush or telling myself I am sexified.

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you trying to make a fruit salad with a cucumber? I keep getting nightmares about bears. I'm from a small town.

I think I am Bill Gates' illegitimate child. He's never met my mom but he's god. Not saying it was an immaculate conception. You just gotta trust me on this one. If he's browsing this you don't need to get me a pony. Scratch that. I need to go grocery shopping. Get me the pony.

I am going to become a lifeguard so I can effectively replace David Hasselhoff as the sexist creature to ever grace the earth... and save lives and beached whales... I just really want a bikini brief... leopard print... with tassels.

When I was younger I wanted to be a paleontologist but my grandmother said it doesn't pay well and I would be poor. I thought about becoming a garbageman but they wouldn't hire me. Now I have a meaningful in and out career in animation.

Male nudity is funny. I think the male body is the biggest joke on the planet. I don't know how women handle it. I am not complaining.. but yeash. You know what's cool? Ice cubes.

I hate autobiographies and I get the feeling pictures are somehow stealing my soul. Chuck Norris jokes aren't funny. They are completely interchangeable. When Engelbert Humperdink jumps in the ocean he doesn't get wet, the ocean gets Engelbert Humperdink. Engelbert Humperdink is God. He changed his name TO Engelbert Humperdink. That wasn't his original name.... Tom Jones is sexy too. I'm not gay. Or confused. I mean come on. It's Tom Jones. WHAT'S NEW **** CAT! IT'S NOT UNUSUAL! GREEN GREEN GRASS OF HOME! Ha. They censored the song name. That wasn't me. It automatically did that. Try it yourself. That is how sexy Tom Jones is.

Sometimes I wonder if i am the only person who poos. And toilets were put on this earth solely for the benefit of me. I kinda get the feeling I am being watched. Not paranoia. I just can't have pictures in the bathroom. It's creepy. I JUST REALIZED THAT URINALS ARE LIKE PEEING ON WALLS! That is so weird. And why do I always get hungry when I see urinal cakes. They sound delicious.... but... I am gonna make a cake and relate it to bathrooms somehow. See if anyone will eat it... or the latter.

Drinking and driving is not cool. Unless it's for street racers. Then I know a cliff they can race drunk to. And at the bottom there'll be a ball pit. Just to lighten the mood. That was vindictive. I am sorry. I walk a lot. And lose umbrellas. That sucks when it rains.

I don't know what instant messaging is or whether it works on my computer. But if i didn't reply it is an accident. I always reply.

*****CLASSIFIED******
My plan for global domination.
By Chickens And Beandip

I will start by rescuing the vikings out of their cryogenic slumber from beneath the ice caps of Greenland and hijack some nuclear subs from the naval bases of the MIGHTY GREENLANDISH NAVY!. From there we will make our way to Canada and proceed to bomb Montreal and Toronto, creating a nuclear shield on either side of Ottawa, and proceed to march onto the capital. We will lay siege throwing the bodies of those who have died of black death in the water supply forcing the unconditional surrender and assuming control of the RCMP. From there I will set my sites on Alaska. It will be an easy battle as The states doesn't care or much less remember Alaska. With the gold mines in tow I will construct a massive glass dome around the country of Canada along the 49th parallel and watch as the rest of the world tries to end my reign. All the while I'll be laughing and petting all the worlds kitties and eating Chip Nuts and drinking aged Orbits fruit juices, as that will be the payment for the delaying of the inevitable world annihilation.
YOU HAVE HEARD

I am broke so I would walk for a couple of hours. Then we'd wash the blisters on our feet. Do you like pasta? I have graduated and have an awesome job, and laugh a lot. Do you like laughing or blisters? We can watch Nova on PBS while eating junior mints and popcorn sammiches while sipping on bubble tea.

I love meeting people in person, so if I don't suggest it, kick me in my virtual nuts, cause sometimes I miss the hints. Just being honest.

We will also dance the night away to Eddie Murphy's smash single My Girl Likes To Party All the Time, interspersed between the Macarena.
I think this best describes my dancing ability.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V5yrKedY3c&feature=related

I am looking with a girl with a good heart as I am incapable of sharing mine. I need it to live or else I will die. Unless I die of course. So if you plan on killing me you can have a not so good heart. But not a bad heart as in stomping on kittens is... I don't know where I am going with this.

I am not a leper. Or a leopard. I'm human and not contagious. Although I did find out that South American armadillos can give you leprosy apparently. That's crazy. My favourite dinosaur was Ankylosaurus. It was basically a giant armadillo. It's awesome.

I actually like walking in the rain. I just hate losing umbrellas when you need them. Cause going to work when your wet sucks.

I ooze confidence like a slug oozes slime. So be careful, you might slip and fall. I love salt though, so I'm not a real slug. I just ooze like one... ooze confidence... nothing actually disgusting.

When I look back on my life I want to think, "Mulligan?" (I have never golfed (unless you count mini golf which is just plain rad))

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people." -Bill Hicks 1961-1994

IF YOU HAVE COOTIES I AM NOT INTERESTED.

Awesomerad.

late.
:cool: