I used to dream of what I'd do when I grew up. I'm still waiting to grow up, so plenty of dreams left, but train driver isn't on the list any more. Still fancy being a pirate though.

Women here seem to be surprised to get lots of messages from weirdos. If you set up a profile on an internet dating site you're going to get contacted by people typing with one hand with their pants around their ankles. Especially if your pics look like they're from the Readers Wives section of Razzle. If you have pics like that and you're whinging about sex pests the answer is simple. You're an idiot!!

If you're genuinely disillusioned, just remember that because Rupert the Bear wore a scarf doesn't mean that anyone wearing a scarf is Rupert the Bear!

I'm an eternal optimist. If you're bitter about the number of times you've fallen for Mr Wrong and have been hurt too many times in the past you probably need to see a good therapist rather then venting your angst against every male on the planet in a profile on a dating site. I'm no psychologist, but I doubt profiles like that are going to actually endear anyone to Mr Right.

If men are willing to lie and cheat in order to get into your pants, putting the word "Genuine" probably isn't going to deter them. "Romantic" is far more effective, like kryptonite to most men as it's much harder to fake.

Some would say I've got a face that looks best in a welders mask, but that doesn't mean I don't have some standards. I like to be confident I can keep my lunch down when I look at someone. OK, I admit it, I'm shallow, but isn't everyone to some degree.

I hate it when after reading an interesting profile I take the time to message someone and they don't even have the courtesy to respond. That's just rude!! I always reply to any messages I receive. Unless of course you're a complete minger.

If you are daft enough to add me to your favourites list please send a message and say hello. I don't bite. I don't like being watched by people I don't know. I'm not paranoid, but I'm convinced everyone says I am when I'm not there!

A bisexual 21 yr old with a figure to die for. her own pub and great sense of humour would be nice. It goes without saying she'd also have to have poor eyesight and low standards.

In truth I'd probably compromise on most of that, but the sense of humour isn't negotiable.

Oh Yes. About the free chocolate and the free laundry service. That was a completer lie. If you're naive enough to think anyone's completely truthful in a profile that will teach you.

By the way. If you're the kind of person who has their profile written in txt speak, who thinks that to make a word plural you add a "z" or who thinks that simply adding "....lol" after every banal statement they make will actually make them amusing, please don't message me. I struggle to relate to thick people.

Go to Anoraks 'R' Us to get kitted out for a days trainspotting. I'd supply plenty of beef paste butties and a flask of weak lemon drink. Round the day off with a Donner Kebab and a diet coke with two straws.

That usually sorts the wheat from the chaff. If we make it to a second date that's when the real fun begins.

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