I turned 36 in March, and I have to get married before my next birthday. You see, my parents think I've been in a loving relationship for the last three years, because I just couldn't tell them that I spend all my free time writing implausibly high-concept story ideas like this one. Anyway, the wedding is already financed, the tux rented, a down payment made on the cake. You should be open minded, willing to sign a comprehensive prenup, and preferably be named "Sunny," or at least be willing to change your name. Oh, and my parents have heard all about your famous sense of humor, so please be funny.

Actually, remember that nice guy in high school, the one who was just a friend? No, I'm not talking about the one who braided your hair; he came out of the closet after graduation. And I'm not talking about the clingy one who tried to befriend all the cheerleaders either; he moved to Hollywood, bought books on the art of seduction, and became a douchebag. No, I'm talking about the one who went to all the same parties as you, listened to all your breakup stories, but who was otherwise just too deeply obsessed with some crazy career fantasy to notice that he had a chance with you. Well, I was that guy.

I'm still deeply obsessed with my career fantasies. I have a master's degree, am certified in CPR and triage, am a certified hypnotherapist, and I teach Jujitsu and self defense as a hobby. I make a killer omelette, speak a bunch of languages, and know how to use a reverse Polish calculator, but aside from all that, I'm a regular guy. I dance badly, enjoy all types of music, am allergic to cats (if I send you a message and you have a cat, please feel free to ignore me), and I tend to only clean before having a date over. I'm ludicrously honest with myself and others. I enjoy fine dining, long walks on the beach, and corresponding with incarcerated women. And I like to think I have a sense of humor.

Ideally, you'll not be incarcerated. You'll have some your own hobbies and interests to share. You'll be very open-minded about your sexuality, without viewing sex as a sin or taboo subject. And you may have some form of spirituality in your life or be completely non-religious, but you'll be fine if people you meet appreciate learning about your beliefs without necessarily subscribing to them. (Unless you're a Zen Buddhist, in which case I already subscribe. So come sit Zazen with me.)

Please note that I do not care about your hair color, body type, or ethnicity. I do care where you live, however; I'm about 30 minutes from downtown LA, 15 minutes from Los Feliz, or 5 minutes from Glendale. I think a half hour isn't too far to drive for a date; an hour is about my limit. So if you are message being from the lovely careful Russian woman from Baltic state of Hovnovpuste, looking for the man from US to caring you with babys and visa, I am not the caring man. But good luck to you nevertheless. :)

.....{}....Put this
.....//.....on your
.....\\.....page if you
.....//.....know someone
.....\\.....who was killed
.....//.....by snakes
.....\\.....on a plane