NOTE: I have property and charity events in various parts of the country- my listed location will change.

Sex? Oh no thanks, Princess, I'm just here to slay the Vampires.... Just a moment, is DC on fire? Oh no, its just smoke coming off the money printing presses to cover the bailout and Iraq. Whew; just printing more money we don't have- thought it was something serious there for a sec. Could I kindly have an itemized statement of where my tax money is going please?....Call me strange, but I sort of have this thing about not wanting to pay for Iraq and obscene CEO bonuses, rather than our infrastructure and schools.

Crude is again rising due to a "shortage of supply" Check the photo of ships full of crude anchored off Singapore; they can't unload these vessels because China is at 100% storage capacity. "Shortage" HARRRRR!!!!! People...people! Am I the only one angry about this? Just how stupid do big oil and gov't think we are? Wait, don't answer that....

Seeking phony,siliconed,game playing Jessica Rabbit trust funder for daylight walks on asphalt- no room left on the beach in moonlight, everyone else from the internet is there.... In Lieu of J.R. a nice cultured, witty companion will do nicely...

It was a dark and stormy night in the city that never sweeps. I was in my office on the 37th floor of the Acme Radiator and Popcorn building cursing the three year old elevator strike. I was working on my latest case, the stolen lyrics to Jessica Rabbits Patty Cake routine. My company, Kewl Home Health Care, Ferrari Repair and Private Eye Services had fallen on hard times since Cheney had slipped all the good work to the firm of Hallweboinkem,Skrewem, and Rippem. There was a knock on the door, "Its Open!" she eased in like warm syrup on granny's pancakes....she was, well, she was like Jessicas twin sister... "How did you get up here?" She turned her creamy white neck toward the door- Dracula would risk the noonday sun for that neck...."Those two nice men carried me up." On the landing were two pudgy conventioneers from Cleveland clutching their chests, gasping for air. Ever cool in a crisis, I quickly called 411 to get the number for 911. "How may I help you, Miss....?" "I'm Heidyur Bliss, Mr. Kewl." Not hiding it very well, I thought.... "I'm in a bad way, and I just have nobody." No body, I thought, this doll had a body that would make the Pope sorry he answered the phone when he got the calling....Her purple dress covered her like teflon on my favorite cajun saute pan...I hoped she hadn't paid too much, the seamstress had carelessly left two thimbles in the bodice..."Please sit down Miss Bliss." With a grand courtly gesture, I quickly swept Ferrari brake pads and a three day old alfalfa sprout sandwich off the chair....I was f,f,f,flustered, my spectacles were fogged over....Ever the gracious host, I reached to offer her a melon..."Ooooooooo Mr.Kewl, Ooooooooo!!" The enormity of my mistake sent me into arrythmia.....my melons were on the other side of the desk.....she grasped my fingers;....I was trapped..............

Examine anti matter with an electron microscope while cuddling on the couch by candle light after a long walk on the beach in the rain admiring flowers, puppies and kittens, expressing our honesty and keeping it real along the way while feeling complete with our soulmate while having an intimate dinner hold hands, sharing our innermost thoughts on music, literature, and the names of our future children...PASS THE PEPTO-BISMOL!! Oh yes, and if you are yakking on your phone during this dream of a lifetime encounter, you will be immediately deployed to Iraq with all other ANNOYING Public Phone Users, where all APPU's will be forced to stand in the desert and yak to the Towel-E-Ban 24 hours a day.....

I have a charitible foundation which brings me into contact with some amazing, near saintly individuals, ie: inner city teachers, health care staff, and single parents. Over the years I have become convinced that perhaps the happiest day of your life is doing something good for an individual that can not possibly repay you....I believe people should have their flowers while still living.

I deplore the dumbing down of America. This is causing us to lose credibility all around the world, and make us a second rate player in the fast forming new world order of booming economies. Meanwhile, we are bogged down in a hopeless tragic conflict that is only serving to bankrupt us and make other nations view us as the real terrorists in the world.

Instead of worrying about Iraq and Paris Hell-ton, we should address the quicksand of political correctness and fear of litigation that is crippling our society. We are ranked in the world: 14th in Science, 15th in Literacy, and 19th in Math. W.H.O. ranks USA 37th in health care. Our infant mortality rate is worse than Cuba or Slovenia.

Due to our short sightedness, many unstable anti-American nations now have an oil noose around our neck,and face it, the OPEC nations could pull the plug and grind us to a halt in 30 days. While we devote vast time and resources to the idolization of nascar, celebs, and pro athletes, the Chinese have 100's of PhD's working on cold energy fusion. Consider for a moment, the kids in the USA that graduate from H.S. barely able to read, and only able to speak "Whazup Homey, Holla atcha bro." While these USA illiterates load their illegal guns to knock off a Quick Trip, there is a 15 y.o. kid in India entering medical school.

OK, brain warmed up? Good. Lets specifically consider breast cancer. Every year thousands of events are held, raising untold millions of dollars. Where is all that money going? Why are we not making any progress against this curse? We have the same incidence rate, vitually the same mortality, and still doing the same mutilative surgeries as 50 years ago. Where is all that money going? And..... on the subject of the cancer curse; who among us would not give all that we have, just to dance with our fathers again......