***AT THE MOMENT NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE - ONLY HERE FOR THE FORUMS & FRIENDS.***

I am seeking a miserable, neurotic, fat and frumpy old bat who doesn’t like sex. It would help if you haven’t heard of The Killers, Kings of Leon, David Gray, in fact if you don’t like music at all including classical, jazz Balearic etc etc and especially loud rock music.

To add to your attraction, you’d not have visited the theatre since school and confine any reading you do (assuming you don’t struggle with reading) to Mills & Boon, Danielle Steele. Georgette Hayer and similar tosh. Film and TV wise? You’ll probably like the worst kind of Chic flick and live your life around Big Brother, Emmerdale, Corrie and other soaps.

If your profile’s full of clichés about DVDs, cosy nights in and liking to both go out and stay in, that would complete the dire picture of most women who write to me. If you struggle with the basic constructs of English - sentences, capitals, verbs, plurals (if English is your second language OK, fine)and anything with more than one syllable and can't spell simple words like sense or nice you will be typical.

Date wise? If I mentioned Rachmaninov? Well he plays for Man U – so off to the Harvester for a ‘nice’ meal and a bottle of sweet white wine for you. After this we can go back to 'yours' and you can show me your fine collection of Capo De Monte Bambi figurines, chins, East Enders memorabilia, Carpenters and Daniel O'Donnell CDs.

I am prepared to be pleasantly surprised (When’s the next blue moon?) if someone outside the above mould comes along. A Lunar calendar is affixed to my wall.

No BBW's (and I don't mean women with a few extra pounds - that's fine) , Muppets, bores or neurotics please.

ABILITY TO MILDLY TAKE DA 'P' AND RECEIVE THE SAME ESSENTIAL - AS IS BANTER.

No Piccy = No Talky. I won't date Shrek's ugly sister. If you are too ugly to post a photo go away! And if you have the same hairstyle and /or tastes in clothes as my gran, go away too.

p.s. I am not this grumpy in real life honest injun.

***AT THE MOMENT NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE - ONLY HERE FOR THE FORUMS & FRIENDS.***

My idea of a great date is something full of banter, flirting and laughter. Not an earnest interview for an ensuing life of dreadfulness. I'd like to meet someone who says 'turn it up' not 'turn it off', who has a bit of pzzzaz, loves being a woman and femininity and who wants to do things. Who'd like to pursue dating as an adventure in laughter, good company fun and frolics - not a series of ritualised appointments in terminal dullness.