I don't really want to date any of you anymore, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to help you without actually going anywhere near you or talking to you or acknowledging your individual existence. I'm altruistic like that.

1. This is not a job board. We don't automatically want to be a part of your world by virtue of the fact that you posted a profile. Under such circumstances, it's ridiculous to post a list of your requirements and demand a photo. It's much more appropriate to sell yourself and then sift through the responses you might be lucky enough get. Courteously. You're really not that special.

2. Bright, attractive men are plentiful, even here. We like confidence, not arrogance. A little self-effacing humor is golden. See item 1.

3. Reality is your friend. Understand that if she's reading your profile, she's not a childless P*ssycat Doll with a law degree seeking to administer NSA blow jobs to the guy who couldn't get a second look from the IHOP waitress. If she is, she's laughing at you because (see item 1).

4. We're not fooled when you say you're not looking for sex but you're open to it.

5. If you've laid out several thousand dollars for a trip to Vegas/Vail/Cancun/Wherev and can't convince anyone you already know to go with you, we must assume your claim of being attractive, professional, fun, passionate, and intelligent is exaggerated.

6. “Self-employed” isn’t a profession. It’s an indication that you don't understand the question. “Management” evokes images of Wendy’s shift leaders, and “Finance” means “Ameriprise Sales Rep.” Please also note that owning the lawnmower with which your brother makes his living does not make you an "Executive." And if only amber lights adorn your "Law Enforcement" vehicle, your profession is "Rule Enforcement."

7. When you say "no oldies or fatties" and your photo is of an overweight man in his sixties with a George Hamilton tan and poorly maintained facial hair, we laugh at you. Then we print your profile, take it to the office, and tape it up by the coffeemaker so our friends can laugh at you, too. We wish we had your phone number so we could prank call you.

8. You seem much more intlegint when you proofread.

9. Offering oral favors to strange women isn't philanthropic. It's many sad and medically inadvisable things, but not philanthropic.

10. If you're going to cheat on your significant other, be discreet. Discrete sex is just creepy. (See item 8.)

11. What in Buddha’s name possessed you to get that asinine tattoo? And cut your hair. You’re too old for that chit.

12. Don't add us to your favorites list without sending a message within a day or two. Bookmarking until you have time to write is one thing; passive-aggressive "hints" are another. It makes us want to pressure wash you off the bottoms of our shoes.

13. Professing to be lonely or bored isn't attractive. Think It, Don't Say It.

14. You needn't post a photo with your intro, but remember you're the one hawking your wares. You don't get to require a photo from a potential customer.

15. Claims of prowess don't impress us. When was the last time you kissed yourself? And all those girls who told you you’re the best ever? "Best ever" is the new "nice."

16. You look stupid in that hat. Toby Keith looks stupid in that hat, and he has a lot more money than you. What makes you think you can pull it off?

17. You mean you like fun, music, laughing, hanging out, and sex? Really?!? OMG! I do, too! We should SO hang out! (Good food and wine, however, piss me off.)

18. If you have an associates degree, no you don't. No one really has an associates degree. You didn't finish school. Own it.

19. And finally, no, our not wanting you does not mean we're necessarily bitter, man-hating, or lesbian. There's a strong possibility it just means you're undesirable.

Observing the above pointers will save you some of those hours of hitting Refresh on your email client waiting for responses that don't include the words "jackass" and "troglodyte."

No thanks necessary.


P.S. Caps lock, testimonials, bathroom mirror shots, shirtless shots (unless at the beach/pool/boat), "party" as a verb, "chill" as an intransitive verb...don't. Just don't.

Yes, age is just a number. So are height, weight, IQ, and income:debt ratio. And, yes, you do have to open doors. All of them. Car doors count. No, I don't LinkedIn on the first date.