I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Jays, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, War and Peace, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Mexico, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

I also have a bad habit of exaggerating, but we all have character flaws, right? So none of the above is actually true, except for the mouli and toaster oven part. Actually, even that's not true. Well, yes it is. No, no, it's not. Or is it?


BUSTED! Oh, Lord ... since a number of folks thought this profile was at least moderately amusing, I am forced to admit that, no, I didn't actually write it. It's been floating around the Internets for a number of years, which means I must now go back and come up with something original that is equally witty and acerbic, not to mention utterly vacuous and content-free.

Geez, but you women can be so needy at times.

P.S. Yeah, about that pic thing ... I'm still waffling on posting a pic but if you're that curious, I'll certainly attach one to a reply if you want to chat. It's a couple years old but, while I have a couple digital cameras, it's only me and the cats so, until they evolve opposable thumbs, it's the best you're going to get.

Yes, I really am that lazy. Or shy. Whichever works for you.

Gack! At the relentless prodding of a friend, I've posted a pic, which happens to be the only one I have in which I look remotely human and am not sitting at a keyboard. I'm sure that, before the day is out, I'll be back to take it down again after sanity strikes.

Sometimes, I hate my friends.

Rules for Women

(If this is supposed to be a man's world, how come women can't
follow these simple rules?)


Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't
mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you
need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories
are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us pack the car.

The quarterback who just got pummelled isn't trying to be brave, he's just
not crying. Big difference.

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp,
saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly
to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent
time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
going out to dinner.

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of them
makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

No, you can't have the remote control.

Coffee at Tim Horton's. No, no, just kidding. Go-kart racing. OK, we'll compromise -- go-kart racing through the drive-thru at Tim Horton's. Never say I couldn't find a middle ground somewhere.

Must not be looking for Talk/E-mail
Must not do drugs