Sigh. . . .So I've been on here for a bit now, and even though I DIDN'T write this it pretty much sums up my experiences on here so far as well as some of the more common profiles I've run into:


• "Must love animals" - Great... You mean I have to pretend to like your floofy poodle/chihuahua/norway rat mixed breed long enough to maybe earn some kisses? Or that huge mastiff that's physically capable of kicking me out of your bed? How about the cat that's contemplating using my balls as a scratching post every time I walk around in my boxers? I think I'll exit stage right before the f*cker eats my socks again.

• "Looking for a God-fearing man" - I get the biggest kick out of this one. Why would you be afraid of your own imaginary friend? Seems like you'd better imagine something a little less hostile. I'd suggest Papa Smurf. (Ooof, the Catholic in me is thinkin' I shouldn't have said that, I guess I really do fear him. . .)

• "Must like the outdoors" - Barring a select few dweebs I've met that live in their parents' basement and mainline Mountain Dew so they can play World of Warcraft for 87 hours straight, most human beings like being outside at some point. Sure, I'll go for a day hike with you. Does that mean I want to live in the woods for a month and wipe my butt with a pine cone? No thanks!

• "Looking for friends first" - Cool, I'm always down for more friends. Wait, what's that you say? Your hot friend Brittany is single? Excuse me while I ask her for her phone number.

• "Must love children" - Unlike the mighty lion (who will kill and eat cubs from rival males) I say the more kids, the better! We can open our own sweatshop and they can make you shoes. I call being the manager!

• "I like having fun" - Whew, what a relief! I'm meeting too many people these days that think having fun sucks. I'm a big fan of fun myself! We have so much in common.

• "Must like to dance" - Really? Have you ever met a straight guy that wants to go dancing? Wait, I take that back. I do know one guy, but he's from Puerto Rico or something. Come to think of it, he's probably gay. That's right, Jorge - I've got you figured out.

• "I like going out, but also enjoy staying in for a quiet night at home" - That's great, because staying home or going out and doing something are pretty much the only two options you have.

• Pictures of your animals and shots of places you have been - Really?!? Now I'm definitely gonna base my decision on the fact you have 3 massively large dogs and 2 cats that occupy all the spaces that should be reserved for pictures of you!

• What's that I see? You've been to Mexico?! Now I definitely have to write to you, as only 89% of your fellow Americans have been to that same spot of beach you decided to include in your profile, without actually including yourself in it, or if you did, your pict is so tiny, I can't tell if it's you or a rock. . .

• So in conclusion, I say the luck of the Irish be with you lovely ladies of POF in your search for a badass Daniel Craig-era James Bond lookalike that will dance the Macarena with Mr. Cuddlekins the Poodle whilst purchasing you an all-expenses-paid vacation to Maui. Just keep in mind that Mr. Bond is only 5'10. . .

****Oh, and if you can break the bounds of the above mentioned issues (and you have a personality) shoot me a line. We can trade pictures. . . or baseball cards. But no trade backs.****

I guess it would have to be a mutual decision on what and where, but I'm relatively easy to please as long as lot's of laughter and conversation ensue, (no seriously) I'm also a huge smart-ass, so you would have to be able to take a little ribbing. . . but I guess an ideal date would be grabbing a white limo (BUS) and having a great dinner at Taco Bell. . .I even know which soda goes best with what meal, for instance Pepsi with a #5 (actually, I was raised on Mexican food, so chances of catching me at a Taco Bell are going to be slim to none)
*****PS, sorry if my pictures come across pretentious, or as though I'm trying to be cooler than I am. I'm not very photogenic, and usually don't like anything I'm in (I've been told I'm better in real life, whatever that means). These ones seem to be ok though. Just thought that was important to add in case I get mistaken for a D**che bag. ;)

P.P.S **What the hell is with Dudes rating my picture?!?!?! Seriously***

P.P.P.S ***I wish my backround image had more butterflies & Rainbows. . .damn**