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Geez,what were you thinking?
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Interests
| Demonstrating the difference between beat up and beat down | Arresting people who are looking for their partner in crime | Putting dents in people that misspell independent as independant | | being comfortable in someone elses skin | Dave Mustaines liver | delivering electric shocks to people who say theyll try anything once | | disorienting people who type orientated instead of oriented | encouraging people who are new to the area to get lost | kicking you and your father back in place | | converting those who conversate instead of converse into condensate | | |
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About Me
Are you tired of all those stuck-up DC area women hitting unread/delete in response to your messages? Are you sick of wasting precious time exchanging emails with women that have no intention of meeting?
If you reply within the next 24 hours,you will receive my unconditional affection,emotional investment,free dinners and drinks to facilitate poor decision-making in exchange for the illusion of romantic interest. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your toenail fungus and and meth mouth ignored,so don't miss out! 
Act NOW to take full advantage of this temporary lapse in judgment!
I've given up on finding Mr. Right and thus eliminated all my age,marital status,IQ and looks requirements. This is the drop in self-respect you've been waiting for,so why not break out the Viagra you purchased using money your wife set aside to buy the grandkids Christmas presents? Your face resembles a foot in need of plastic surgery? Not a problem. You need a GPS to locate your genitalia? That's fine with me! Not sure if you're heterosexual? Well,here's your chance to find out!  ( -Hey,doesn't he look like George Michael?)
It takes absolutely no ability to pique my interest or compose a coherent sentence to get started. All you need is to hit the "Send Quick Message" button,and if you are the lucky number sender,I will throw in the dollar store pet toy I posed with and these nifty little emoticons                   absolutely FREE!
But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying! At the end of the first date I will GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG you to let me in the studio apartment you share with Grandma. I will even offer to shove Grandma into the mice-infested closet and have my way with you! 
I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so ALL REMAINING SHREDS OF DIGNITY MUST GO!!!
Now I know this site advises you to be successful at wasting time  by talking about hobbies, interests, goals/aspirations and your taste in music. Why bother,when Christmas is almost a week away? I recently found out that my ex-BF is getting married,so I'm projecting my despair and hopelessness onto YOU--the good men that haven't met someone on here yet. Living in your parents' basement and falling behind on child support payments? Hairy butt cheeks? If you like my smile and have a pulse,let's make a deal and get you inside me immediately.
I'm practically giving myself away!
How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward,emotionally deficient,alcohol-fueled sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? 25 minutes? Fifteen minutes? Five?
Disclaimer: I reworked an online satirical piece for my own amusement and catharsis,since I'm too lazy to mend my voodoo dolls 
First Date
Feed the dog
Slop the hog
Shine the baptist and debark the log
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cOKMMPY8K4
Mail Settings (To message The_Distortionist you MUST meet the following criteria.)
Age between 21 and 40
Live within 75 miles.
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
You must have a picture to contact this user.
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not do drugs
Must not be married
Must not smoke
The_Distortionist has 2 roses that can be sent.
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 I own this John Petrucci OLP but havent touched it in ages. '))
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