26 personal ads so far and only one reply—from Mom!! (Reminding me to pick up beer and smokes on my way home from work at the Reptilian Palace.). Geeze! Almost makes me want to leave Mother Dearest for good this time. Oh well, Sis will probably take me back if I can’t find a suitable bipolar lady with a butterscotch fetish. I’ve spent a fortune looking for my Dream Girl, even without benefits; that blimp over Key West during Fantasy Festival cost as much as a fortnight in a first rate dungeon.

You tell me! What’s a decent, demented, cross-dressing sociopath supposed to do in this crazy world? It’s sure hard to find to find a simple, compatible Voodoo priestess of Irish ancestry who understands me; I’ve heard that all the good ones are already taken. Yep, just a good old back-country girl; you’d think it would be so simple. The last one I met fixed me a late-night snack and told me to hurry up and eat my soup before it clots....I wondered why she only came out after dark...

Seriously, 6 out of my team of 8 shrinks now says I am fit for duty…all I need now is a girl “like the girl that married dear old dad!” Oh yes, Mom…she’s an Elvira look-a-like and (when she comes up out of the cellar at night) is a great cook, too; just be sure to drink her soup before it clots. Dad says she’s one heck of a woman: a slut in the kitchen and chef in the bedroom? Yes, Mom has a few mixed priorities but she means well.

OK, now the truth about me. I’m really a big ole Teddy Bear, fair complexion, balding, no butt, five-foot-nine, about two-oh-five and declining. I like casinos, some travel, taking photos, target shooting. I don’t smoke, but you may. I am touchy-feely, like holding hands, good music, great food and long talks and walks. My pet peeve is people who are always late, so rude. I love a lady who enjoys being a girl at times and who always takes care of herself. The fact is a lot of good loving is being wasted that could be going to a compatible lady and she doesn’t even have to be exactly like Mom. I would like to develop a permanent relationship with a lady who is closeby and who has few, if any encumbrances. It would be nice if she has her own place and I can keep mine, at least while the relationship is developing.

The first date obviously should be geared to ascertaining if there is any chemistry between us. We would both meet for happy hour at a not-too-loud bar or restaurant and get acquainted, then enjoy the rest of the night together if we hit it off. The first date should give either party the option of politely exiting if uncomfortable.