I lied. I'm a fish.

What is there to say about me except the word "cactus"? Probably lots of other words, now that I think about it. But I am probably too lazy to list those other words. So "cactus" will have to do.

I am basically your run-of-the-mill awesome dude. Occasionally I may just be a walk-of-the-mill dude, but usually I have enough stamina to run those mills. I'm a rabid atheist who abhors creationism. (To become a rabid atheist, you have to be bitten by a rabies-infected demon of some sort and froth at the mouth when speaking.) Of course, I am relatively nice to anyone who is not a religious fanatic hell-bent on legislating divisive Christian morality through congress...but I usually end up punching crazy fundamentalists. If you're not a fundy, however, take heart! I will only punch you with half the force I usually reserve for them. Which is still a lot, given my manly strength, but you'll just have to build up some calluses.

I am a very silly, non-serious individual, for the most part. My sense of humor is best described as "severely corny" or else "make it stop, for the love of God". Those are actual quotes, my friends!

Politically, I'm extremely liberal. When it comes to social freedoms, I am your basic hippie who believes drugs, prostitution, gambling, and other victimless crimes should be legal. (What's strange is that I don't gamble, do drugs, or have sex. Well, not with prostitutes, at least.) Feel free to ask why I want these legal if you don't understand, and I'll convince you. Religiously, I'm extremely non-religious. I once stood up next to a street preacher and rambled on about all the evidence for evolution when he started saying evolution is a lie. This is how awesome I am. I also eat dead babies and worship satan, apparently, because this is what many people think being an atheist entails.

Anyway, my passion in life is, by far, learning. (Sadly, though, it often gets sidetracked by video games, mixed martial arts shows, and cleaning up my dog's urine.) Subjects of interest are philosophy, science, cognitive psychology, literary theory (or just plain "theory" for those, like me, who think the distinction of "literature" is arbitrary and useless), mathematics (perhaps my biggest intellectual weakness), religion, and poop, or wherever these subjects may intersect, like the philosophy of feces. One day, I hope to possibly write a book on one of these subjects, or maybe all of them.

If you have no interest in learning or knowledge whatsoever, or if you are a person with ambitions centering on family, or having a husband who is incredibly rich and ambitious, then we may not be very compatible, unless you are totally hilarious to make up for all this. At the moment, I'm not interested in starting a family or having children (too poor and not interested in the responsibility); I will not get married because I find the institution insulting, outdated, sexist, and redundant, among other things (committment issues are not a problem, I just don't see the value of involving the state any more than they already are in my personal affairs); and I do not have huge career goals to make lots and lots of money. I have an English degree; The words "lots of money" and "English degree" are mutually exclusive, I'm afraid (although it does make me proficient at using semicolons, which should send you into a jealous grammatical frenzy). I work in publishing, assisting with copyediting and proofreading, even though I'm a bit of a linguistic nihilist who sees "proper grammar" as an arbitrary construct to which people give authority as a superficial way to imply quality or else ostracize various groups outside of the "standard English" white-washed world. Being an editor who thinks grammar is relatively unimportant and used more for social construction reasons than for clarity is a bit like being a Christian atheist or a vegetarian shark. At any rate, I pride myself on knowledge and education, and the fact that I can get most of it without spending thousands on university courses, but instead by investing only hundreds of dollars in books.

Also, if you, too, find yourself becoming irate that this site lists lobsters and whales as "fish" personalities, we'd probably get along famously and could spend hours mocking websites that confuse biological taxonomies.

By the way, not all of my interests are pretentious. I also like pure, simple things like taking walks in parks, eating fatty foods, watching MMA, and staring at people until they get weirded out.

I would show up at your doorstep completely nude, and then force my way into your house while incessantly chattering about post-modernism, analytic philosophy, biology, strange experiments in cognitive psychology, or farts. That's pretty much it. I'm not good for much else.

Other than having conversations about feces and philosophy, I also try to enjoy an active lifestyle. I jog and strength train regularly (but don't confuse me with some sort of Beefy McManbeef; I'm by no means ripped, just healthy) and I enjoy crap like hiking and playing mediocre tennis. A date involving something active would be quite welcome, like walking around a park. I'm also a bit of a movie snob. Generally, I watch real serious artsy type crap. Here's looking at you with a randomly detached eyeball floating in pudding, David Lynch. But don't fret, I like regular movies, too. Trying new foods is also good times. I've eaten strange things like ostrich and octopus, and eventually I hope to try hard-boiled fertilized duck eggs, alligator tongue, chocolate covered crickets, and monkey brains at some point in my life. Basically, anything edible. I think this explains why I can eat uncooked two-month old chicken and not get sick. However, I'm willing to settle for just plain ethnic food instead of these more obscure choices.

In conversation, I tend to enjoy talking religion or politics, which isn't good considering that most people, particularly women, abhor talking about these subjects. If you enjoy discussing religion (primarily from an atheistic perspective), the various "culture wars" concerning abortion, creationism, and so on (hopefully siding with the liberal side), and politics, I think we'd get along great. With that said, though, I suppose I wouldn't mind any type of conversation, which explains why I'm able to put up with a best friend who talks incessantly about knitting.

Usually I'm pretty quiet. I wouldn't say that I'm shy; I just don't like to talk just for the sake of hearing my own voice, or breaking a silence. Plus I'm usually in a perpetual state of mind where I'm thinking, "Crap, think of something to say to this beautiful girl" instead of actually starting a conversation. Or maybe I'm only quiet because I'm undressing you with my eyes. My eyes, after all, are terribly proficient at undoing bras.