YOU MUST BE:

funny
loquacious
driven
available
under 40
over 18
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a woman. If I wanted a questionable butchie, I'd date a man. They statistically make more money, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the **** buddy status.
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
play trivia
act like raging****eads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapien females in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of woman, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...

I'm not dumpy. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm tall. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your width does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

On the first date, I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched shoes. Just remember this if you respond to this profile, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner.

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

We will ride my motorcycle, you will find it exciting and fun.

I may call you the following day. I may not.