If you are just looking for sex, sex talk or internet sex, PLEASE move on!!!

You may be thinking what a sensitive man or you may think 'I bet he copied that from a woman's profile'. Actually if she had written 'move in' rather than 'move on' probably would be even more effective. Certainly would have been funnier.

Anyway I am not just after sex. I would also like to have a hot meal or a salad (if it's a hot day). I would also like something refreshing to drink and some stimulating yet relaxed conversation. (Would also help if you liked cats - well mine, anyway.) And eyes to drown in.

It is not necessary, or even likely, for all of these to happen when first we meet but hope springs eternal. Quite happy to let things run their course. My children live in New Zealand so though I have various activities I take part in have plenty of time for other things and to get to know someone.

Anyway that is enough of me being serious (that is about as close as I will get in this profile) rest is just for fun.

NEWS FLASH: I have been upgraded to Flippant Member!

Some downsides to living alone.

Misplacing the remote TV control (this is always irritating but even more so when there is nobody else to blame or help look for it. Still not fully convinced that it isn’t the cat.) Losing my rimless eye glasses – bad enough at the best of times but virtually impossible given that Magoo has better sight than me (solution is to always wear prescription shades which are much easier to find; though makes driving at night more of a challenge and harder to tell when it is morning.)

Finding that the loo paper has run out and the other rolls are upstairs (thank God for mobile phones and close neighbours). Being in the shower or on the loo when the front door bell rings. (If I ignore this it usually means that in order for me to collect the package they were attempting to deliver I have to drive half way across town to get it. When I don’t ignore the bell then it is almost always the Avon lady or a Jehova’s witness etc.. Thinking this through I should ignore the bell more often as this would mean I get more packages. Plus I would get to finish whatever I was doing at my leisure.)

Putting on a double duvet cover. I’m actually pretty good at doing this but I still hate doing this by myself. When there are two of you it is almost fun. I was going to write that when there are two of you this can sometimes lead on to real fun but have now read enough forum postings to realise that this might be construed as bringing up the subject of sex prematurely. So I’m not going to put it in. And I also have doubts about using the word ‘prematurely’. Getting into hot water here. And I didn’t mean sharing a bath or anything of the kind. Oh dear! Best to press on swiftly.

Remembering the correct day and week to put out the brown and green bins and recycling boxes (and why is the bin for grass cuttings etc. brown anyway, surely it should be green? And why can’t it be every week on the same day. Life is complicated enough as it is. And don’t start me on bank holiday arrangements.) I want to save the planet as much as anyone and I do try. Glass and metal cans go in the green bin. So why won’t they take light bulbs? Newspapers and magazines are allowed but not junk mail? Anyway, back to downsides of living alone.

Putting up the concertinaed gazebo, even the tent is easier than the gazebo. Instructions are something like “Take opposite corners of gazebo and pull away from centre from both corners until legs are fully extended”. I have long arms but not THAT long. Maybe they mean my legs. Measuring the dimensions of a large cabinet or a room. Assembling flat-packed furniture from Ikea. Putting up shelves.

Checking that the brake lights on my car are working. (Finally worked out how to do this. Slam on my brakes when driving at 40 mph in heavy traffic. If the car behind brakes sharply then they are working.)

Two for one offers in supermarkets on packs of peaches, lettuces and strawberries. How on earth am I going to get through 1 kg of strawberries before they go off without a) making myself sick or b) making strawberry jam? And I’m not very keen on either of these alternatives to be honest. Why can’t they just make them half price? Fresh fish and meat which is sold in packs for two or more people. If I have the temerity to complain I get “Well you can always freeze the other one.” I make a smart a*** comment along the lines of “If I wanted frozen that’s how I would buy it.”. (I don’t really - I know it’s not their fault so I let it go. Doesn’t stop me rehearsing the line anyway.)

A really full freezer with multiple half packs of steaks, chops, fish, chicken fillets etc. because out of sight is out of mind. When I’m in the supermarket at 6 pm and fancy a tuna steak for dinner do I think “I won’t buy one in case there’s one in the freezer?” No. I buy two because a) I fancy one tonight and b) that is how they are sold and I don’t want to risk there not being one in the freezer. When I get home I find I was right: there isn’t one in the freezer. There are in fact two because this is the third time I have faced this dilemma in the past few months.

For a first date would be all of a flutter. I would fret over hair and floss well. Pick an outfit which shows off my best features. Dither over whether shows too much chest for a first date. Do up another button. Jimmy Choo's or Prada. Always such a problem deciding which shoes to wear with which outfit. The Rolex or the Bulgari? The decisions us guys have to make. Half the time I don't think they even notice. Still, not doing it for her but for me. Like to look my best. I'm told that I'm worth it (actually when I think about it I'm not told this).

Model profile
Gentle compassionate man (I am a white van driver) seeks female soul mate (leggy blonde) for relationship based on mutual respect (sex). I have a good sense of humour (I have a subscription to Loaded) and read widely (I also read Maxim) and maintain an active interest in current affairs (I like to watch Paris Hilton videos).

My friends tease me that I am a bit of a culture vulture (this may be because I eat a lot of yogurt). I have a deep passion for music (I have a CD with Celine Dione’s greatest hits) and live theatre (I was dragged along to see Cats in 1989, dropped off). I love modern art (they got a grant for that?) and abstract art in particular (what a load of Pollocks).

I love being in the great outdoors (lying by a pool) and taking regular walks (from the sofa to the fridge and back again). I believe that foreign travel broadens horizons (I went to Benidorm on a package holiday for a week once) and love immersing myself in foreign cultures (the hotel pool).

I am a strong advocate of women’s rights (and it is not very often on the whole in my experience). I believe strongly that housework should be shared (I create it, she does it) and know my way around the kitchen (and will show her where everything is kept). I am a firm believer in DIY (after I’ve finished in the bedroom it is all up to her). I am also a great romantic and believe that nothing is too much for the right woman (any more than that will just raise expectations).

I am in favour of world peace and saving the world from global warming (I think that adds the right sort of meaningless platitudes to impress any bleeding hearts). Love children and animals and would like to dedicate my profile to the memory of Princess Di (that has to be the clincher).


And not so model...
I have no idea what I am looking for in a woman and I may not recognise it when I see it immediately. But the chances of us getting on will increase if you care more about people than things, are compassionate and tolerant of others' differences, are articulate and able to hold a decent conversation which does not involve soaps or celebrities. So no Daily Mail readers please!