It's funny. When I was a kid I spent all my time just trying to get to second base. Nowadays I'd be happy to settle for a second DATE! Just like Jimmy Buffet said, some people claim that there's a woman to blame but I know it's my own damn fault.

Anyway, aside from the fact that I'm short, ugly, old and live at home with my mother, I'm a great catch. So if you're adventurous and can put up with me for four dates, I promise the fifth one will be at the ritz carlton in naples or the venetian in vegas--your choice.