October 9 ... I told my boss some bad news and his face said it all …. especially the mouth part.

October 7 ... I couldn't believe it! Someone had stolen my new sled! My brand-new, all-white sled, with the runners I had painted white and the white tow-rope and name written on the top, in white. I asked all of my so-called friends which one of them took it, but they all denied it. Finally, in the spring, right after the snow melted, the thief brought it back to where I had left it.

October 6 ... If I like women ... does that make me a lesbian trapped in a man's body??

October 6 ... Sometimes I lay on my back and look up at the stars and wonder … where the hell is my roof?

October 2 ... Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?

October 1 ... In case you're wondering ... I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

September 24 ... I've been thinking about going vegetarian for a long time so last night I decided to go for it. From now on ... all I eat are vegetarians.

September 22 ... I recently put a life jacket on my dead friend and guess what … they don’t really work.

September 19 ... Why do folks still put "prefer not to say" for an answer to the basic simple questions POF asks. All it does is make most fellas think the worst. I couldn't tell you how many 400lb, pink haired, drug using, umemployed, high school drop outs, who chain smoke 5 packs of cigars and drink a bottle of Jack a day while taking care of their 14 kids there are on this site. Amazing! It's like Alabama is shipping them up here by the truckload.

September 16 ... I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and wondered why men have nipples. They seem to serve no useful purpose at all. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just so we can tell how cold it is outside, or if there's a hardware store close by.

September 5 ... He sees you when you’re sleeping … he knows when you’re awake … he even knows if you've been bad or good ... it's a good thing he lives at the north pole because around here ... Santa would probably be arrested for being a stalker.

September 3 ... Do you think the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect cheese from thieves?

September 3 ... You can always tell how big a loser someone is by how long it takes them to order coffee. If you ordered a double decaf, low fat, iced vanilla, cappuccino with 1 sweet and low and one nutrasweet, with 2 creams on the side … oh boy … you’re a huuuuge loser. It still tastes good though ;)

September 2 ... I went camping in the woods on the long weekend and started to wonder .... why do the deer and the cougar have to be enemies? One eats grass, and the other eats deer. Oh. I get it now.

August 29 ... Missing!!! My imaginary friend Al. Last seen 3 years ago. Known to frequent polka raves and sushi bars. If you see him tell him I'm sorry about the ice cream and to come home.

August 28 ... As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

August 27 ... Why did they invent bigger M&M's for? If I'm extra hungry for M&M's I'll go nuts and have two or maybe three.

August 26 ... It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

August 22 ... I'd never go to rehab because rehab is for quitters.

August 16 ... If you ever get hassled by a vegetarian, just ask them if god hadn't intended us to eat pigs then why did he make them taste like bacon?

August 15 ... When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

August 14 ... Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

August 13 ... I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

August 12 ... a word of caution - when you're on the ocean and you see a piece of kelp floating by your boat and you yell "look out SEAMONSTER, SEAMONSTER!" ... your fishing guide thinks it's funny ... only once ... even if you still get a kick out of it after the tenth time.

July 29 ... Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

July 25 ... I wish more symphonies utilized their cowbell players more.

July 23 ... Swans mate for life which sounds impressive at first ... but is it really a big deal? You're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you're with right now since you all look the same, so why not mate for life?

July 18 ... Why are there so many internet ads for getting in touch with your highschool classmates? If I wanted to see them I wouldn’t have been ignoring them for the last 15 years and besides I already know what they do these days. The leader of the drama club is a pornstar and the debate club captain picks up my garbage

July 16 ... Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it ... does not make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$ and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

July 15 ... I had a sneaky suspicion that my boss came to work drunk on Friday because he smelled a little like beer. He also parked the company truck behind the reception desk.

July 11 ... No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, its the white people version of looting.

Interested in hearing more thoughts, notions and ramblings? ... then drop me a line ;)

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