Hey! How ya doin'? Relax. Put your feet up. Lemonade? No? C0cktail? Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, get comfortable, because here comes the awesome. And by awesome, I mean a bunch of exaggerations and thinly veiled half-truths that will surely impress and fascinate you. Ahem.

Me: A scout for unintentional performance art; witty to the tune of wine spraying out your nose; chatty and introspective; wannabe chef and understaffed entertainer; dorky, but still sexy in indie-oaf sort of way; profoundly fascinated by garden-variety reality; a consumer of media on a sometimes unsettling scale; love to fill the piñatas; unmotivated until I become super-motivated; a bit more Henry the VIII than one might prefer; good at croquet; funnier than the last six guys you dated; a better kisser than all of them.

See? How can you resist that? What about you? I'm glad you asked.

You: Unafraid of Chucks and a sun-dress; extroverted introvert; creepy smart with an preference for ADD; stylistically gifted Campfire girl cum well-read rock star; make-up optional chubby chaser; motivating socialite and occasional wino; Julie McCoy's punk rock cousin; fearlessly genuine and sexy as hell.

See how great you sound? Well, in theory, at least. You are just as likely none of that and standing right behind me, quietly laughing until I figure it out.

You make me better, I make you better. With a glance, you'll make me funnier and fearless and in return I'll remind you why you're the best girl in the room. We'll be more than the sum of our parts and define ourselves by the small moments that make our bellies shimmer and spontaneous occasions that show everyone else why we're couple of the year. We will become the best of friends and confide in our old best friends that we can't believe our ridiculously good luck. We'll inspire one another to do all the things we always thought we could do and ro-sham-bo for what to do next. Then, when no one is looking, we'll make out in the kitchen.

I'm not looking for a perfect girl, but I am looking for the right girl. Think you might be her? I think you might be. Only one way to find out....

* * *

More junk to read if you made it this far. Clearly you need to be getting out more often.

To Do: Eclectic film, live music, good people & better stories. Ranting. Summer camp. Deep conversations about shallow subjects. Saturday morning breakfast on the deck. 4-hour meals with compatriots. C0ckail debate team. Talking smack. Owning the room.

To Go: Mexican beaches with a posse. Restaurants without their locations mapped out on the place mats. Outside and on top. Dives with secret ashtrays, velvet stools & 3rd shelf bourbon. Playing tag in Venice. Your favorite non-sucky dance bar (my call).

I Love: The Pixies**. A good sauté pan. Asparagus. The NetFlix/Tivo turf war in my living room. Cobbler. To Kill a Mockingbird. Good shoes. Roasting Chicken. The frantic action that is the Fisher-Price Tumble Tower. Pencils. Tittering. A perfectly timed glass of water.

**Except the 2004 Pixies at the Greek; that show licked balls. However, the 2009 Pixies re-established once again that they are made whole cloth of awesome.

School: From the cultural Mecca that is Stockton, CA, a BA in Studio Art with a Business minor. Yeah, really. Art. In Stockton. Let's just say the good decisions were not coming so fast & furious in 1990.

Me vs. Jesus: Episcopal, but distrustful of organized religion, I go to summer camp instead. Many hours have been spent around many fires trying to mitigate the knife fight between faith & intellect. These days though, faith could use a pint of O neg.

Career: I hope to one day employ my own army of evil robots to do my fiendish bidding. This bidding will include taking the last ice cream sandwich, Miss I-bought-the-box. Don't break my robot.

Greco-roman thumb wrestling.

Interested? You can also find me on OK.cupid under "piefight". As websites go, it's just as free with 6 times the awesome. You'll thank me.