What do you know about the Holy Bible? Tell me about it!
Here's a joke I thought was funny, ha ha

After 20 years
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That wasss wooonnnnderful.... Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote!'
Those Scotts
A Scottish man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and… put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Nine things women say:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don 't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say, 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it: I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

He didn't like the casserole, and he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard... not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right, he didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks, the way his mother used to do,
I pondered for an answer; I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
http://www.everythingunderthemoon.net/spells/evil_eye.htm