First of all I`m sitting here with a patch on my eye wondering why toe nail clippers do not come with warning labels? Son of B@%#H !!!!! Ouch!Ok then,I`m done venting. Everyone is looking for a soulmate,well,I`m looking for a toilet made out of solid gold but I know its just not in the cards baby.I`m also looking for my seeing eye monkey Kenny and my teacup Chihuaha that goes by the name Pinky Flores.They both ran away yesterday,and,well,I`m devestated.K,enough about my two former best friends.Being chicagolands 4rth favorite childrens party clown(was no 1 till my exploding shoe stunt burnt down a nursing home)during my downtime I`m in a never ending search for that special buxom love vixen.Wether it be friends or lovers I just want to be able to the share the rush of hearing..that`l be 15% off on your Kohls purchase today.Likes??? I like nearly everything....dislikes...I live in mortal fear of Kathie Lee Gifford and Jessica Simpson TV specials.
Another thing people should know about me is that I have found the secret to ageless skin.Whether I`m juggling chain saws at a mall opening,performing a sock puppet show,selling maps of Chicago at the Greyhound bus depot or modeling Richard Simmons new line of sweat resistant spandex wear at the regional fittness show,people always come up and ask me,"Lanz,how do you maintain such beautiful skin"?My coy yet always humble answer is cooking with lard and plenty of it!!Got lard?Lard,its natures botox!Lard,it cures what ail`s you!!