Periodic Updates (ad infinitum, ad nauseam):07.05 - BEST JULY 4TH EVER......... EVER!
07.02 - I purchased a $98.00 burrito today. There was nothing particularly spectacular or unique about it. It was just a burrito. Rice, beans, cheese, salsa and something that once had feathers & is the namesake for some nasty pox that children use to stay home from school. Yep, just a chicken burrito. Only, I handed the cashier $100 and got $2.75 in change. I have to ask, which is more criminal; The cashier pocketing my hundy and playing dumb when I returned to correct my grievous error or the fact that I was willing to spend just south of $8.00 for a little donkey?
06.30 - Stay wild Moe. Stay free. Keep running you crazy chimpanzee! Tools of Ignorance is pulling for you buddy! If you make it to my house, I’ll provide you with sanctuary, simian amnesty and all of the carrot cake & bananas you can stomach for the rest of your natural life!
06.29 - The countdown clock to Thursday @ 5:00 has begun! I’m going yachting. I’m going to get seasick. I’m going to watch fireworks from the deck of a very large boat. I’m going to wear a crested navy blue blazer. I’m going to dust off the topsiders and I’m going to put on my best Thurston Howell III accent. “Oh Lovey”
06.21 - It's now 5 minutes since my last post. Who wants to come by for sweets?
06.21 - It’s official. I now live in an Easy Bake Oven. The heat has turned my home into a place where little girls can bake cakes or cookies by simply placing raw sugary dough on a flat surface (kitchen counter, a bed, toilet seat lid, my EKG lines after tonight’s heat stroke, etc.…). The bell that rings will signify the culmination of freshly baked desserts and simultaneously, spontaneous human combustion.
05.30 - Uuuugggghhhhhh!!!!!!! Why does hair (on one’s head) have to grow back so slowly?!?!?! Why did I take that bet?!?!?! Why is my head so shinny?!?!?! Why can’t I get my time machine to function properly?!?!?! If there is one bit of silver lining to my dark and grey cloud, it is that I have coined a new term; Birth Control Haircut®. Yes, I had it registered.
05.25 - This report just in from Palm Spring: I lost a bet and proceeded to loose my hair. I’m a man of my word and shaved it clean per the agreement/wager. Call me cue ball, curly or any other clever term to describe a bloke without hair. Just make sure you call me honorable because it wasn’t easy and It don’t look good either!!!!!
05.21 - Go Lakers.
05.16 - Flying to San Francisco today via Virgin America! I’m very excited about getting out of town but I have to ask, is “Virgin” really the connotation an airline wishes to present to prospective passengers? I’m very confused. Does this mean my flight is to be loaded with sexually inexperienced individuals or is my flight crew on their maiden voyage? I trust it’s the aforementioned because let’s face it; I wouldn’t mind the feeling of sexual prowess over 150 strangers confined in an airborne aluminum coffin. Alternatively, I don’t want seniority over an individual wearing a funny hat/jacket combo who goes by the name “Captain”. Am I wrong?
05.08 - Adjust eight a cash hue.
05.06 - I just ate a cashew.
05.01 - Does anyone know how to work the fast-forward button on my work day machine? I’m going to need it tomorrow. I’ve scoured the internet for an alternative user’s manual and uncovered a .pdf, which I had to translate from Kanji. I don’t think I did a very good job of it cause my work day machine is now stuck in “slow-motion” with periodic stops at
”pause”. Someone help me please!
04.25 - The ankle is improving!!!! Thank God for modern medicine! Pppppfffffftttttt!!!! Let me get this straight; I walk around for 2 weeks on a displaced foot because you misdiagnosed a malformation that Dr. Pepper could have assessed correctly, and I have to pay you how much? HMO’s are funny. Chortle.
04.08 - Dr. visit today. Ankle needs to be rebuilt. Baseball season has come to an abrupt end before it started(insert sigh here).
04.06 - Opening day of a new baseball season. Ankle blew out on me while running. NOT AGAIN!!!!
04.02 - "in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated..."
03.22 - I hurt myself today. Kayaking and water should be taken only in moderation. Same goes for cyclobenzaprine! What the hell is it anyway? Has anyone else had experience with this funky med? I just took one in case anyone would like to come by to rape and pillage my home. I promise I'll sleep through it all. Really.
03.21 - Had a great time(
)@ The Rooftop last night but paying the price for it this morning. I want a desk like George Costanza has, fully equipped with blankets, pillows and an alarm clock to keep my naptime within reasonable limits.
03.20 - Doing the Vernal Equinox justice tonight @ The Rooftop!!!!!!
03.12 - The 10th person to email me today wins a major award. 8 & 9 will receive a wonderful parting gift.
03.10 - Monday + paralysis by analysis = INTERTIA
03.06 - Inhumed in offal
03.05 - Today, I discovered Dystopia and at once proclaimed that I, as its sole resident and dictator, would create an egalitarian society in quest of a new Utopia. I was immediately disposed in a bloody coup d’état. I’m now an exile in Plenty of Fishville.
02.29 - I drank absinthe today.
It was fun but left a terrible aftertaste in my mouth. Sort of like the flavor of a hangover. Yuck.
02.28 - I drank some water today.
02.25 - I think I have groin pull. I'm not really certain what that is but I think I got one! It came fully equipped with a limp and shooting pain from my lower abdomen traveling south. WTF? I lifted yesterday but not heavy!!!!! Where do these frickin things come from anyway? Are they contagious? Can you catch them from kissing?
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In a nut shellI'm against medical research. The earth is flat. There are no monkeys in my family tree. I like broccoli smoothies. Carrion smells nice. I know who John Gault is. For fun, I like to comb my hair with a cheese grater while simultaneously chewing on tin foil. Red Bull drinks me when it's run down. I can break dance. In Vino non e veritas. I mistakenly started the big bang with too many mentos and a liter of Coke. I invented satire but don't know how to use it. My best friend is a hang over. If love were a four letter word, I'd have blue eyes. I once built a car made entirely of snow & toothpaste then drove it to Barstow. I've never crossed the Rubicon and my hypocrisy knows no bounds. That's me in the bizzarro world..In a nut shell....... Now I'm bored. I'm going to go and clean the lint trap in the dryer.
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