So, you've got a great job, a house, a car. Your friends are encouraging and supportive. Your family adores you. Dogs, cats, and children flock to you.

But, you're just missing that little something. You just need a little more flavor. Something to keep you on your toes.

I've met your type before and I know just what you need.

I can provide you with a ration of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, and newfound paranoia. I am also willing to upset the most solid of friendships, anger your mother, and challenge your ability to keep your job. I can convince you that you are responsible for my well-being and, despite the havoc I leave in my wake, you will be inexplicably attracted to me.

I'm sure you're wondering how I will accomplish this feat. That is not important. My undeniable sex appeal, charm, and natural talent for mayhem will not fail.

What you should be asking is why. Why would you want this? Well, you'll be the first to admit that your comfortable life is getting quite dull. Once our courtship ensues you will have a renewed appreciation for the ho-hum. You'll catch glimpses of the life you once had...casual drinks after work, football on Sundays, barbeques in the summertime...and though you'll long for those days, you will feel wounded, crippled, unable to crawl back to that time. Eventually, though, I will feel you've had enough. I will leave you helpless, friendless, and so accustomed to my insatiable sex drive that you will continue to be isolated, frightened, and incapacitated in my absence. A ghost from your past life will find you, just before you turn to hard drugs to soothe your scarred psyche, and will nurse you back to emotional health.

This journey, this voyage will create a lifetime of unwavering appreciation for all of the things you had once thought to be dull. Food will taste better. Laughter will be more joyful. Warm human contact will be orgasmic. Plus, you will have an abundance of interesting stories to share with your loved ones. This experience may even lead to a new career as a motivational speaker.

Why am I willing to offer this life changing experience?

Well, frankly, I really need a good back rub right now.

New to "dating on the internets?" Here's some good advice. Share it with your friends.

1. You've stumbled across a profile without a picture. This means that they're fat. Likewise, if they only have a photo from the waist up, they're also fat. If their most recent picture looks like it was taken six years ago in a dark cave, you guessed it, fat. In fact, if you have any doubt whatsoever, they're probably fat.

2. Just to be safe, any guy who's listed as being over 40 years old, add seven years to their age. For any woman over 35, add three. Anyone claiming to be 18, subtract two.

3. "Having fun" is not an interest. Interests are things that you have fun doing.

4. Gentlemen, take heed. Shirts were made to be worn. All the time. Especially in photos.

5. When writing your profile, just be yourself! Unless, of course, you suck. In that case, ask yourself, "what would someone smarter, cooler, or just generally better than me say?" and then write that. Try living it, too, and you'll be half way there.

6. Remember that it pays to play the numbers. Love is a gamble, and the more you play, the greater your odds increase!

If I've favourited you and we haven't actually spoken, it's because a) you've got your mail filters set to only allow messages from people from the United States, and b) I think you're awesome anyway. It's not me being creepy. Yet.