I am currently not taking applications for dates. I've left the profile as it was.

If you're looking for Mr. Right, you've come to the wrong profile. I'm not necessarily Mr. Wrong, but I own a business which I will pursue, even if I have to live in my office before giving up. I'm probably not your best bet if financial stability or supporting you are among your priorities. However, if the batteries are piling up and you would prefer spending your time with Mr. Might B. Trainable instead, I'm financially adequate enough to offset the rest by paying for the Chapstick I will charm you into needing if you can kiss well.

I never thought I'd have to say this, but if you are a religious zealot and you are intolerant of others with different views, don't contact me.

If you are seeking a real relationship, please be emotionally available for it. Despite appearances, this is not a sales pitch for a hook- up, although that isn't out of the question. (Centerfold models see below.) I'm uninterested in a relationship with someone who is looking for a husband. If you're an emotionally secure, sane and self-confident woman who would like to spend time, (including adult time), with someone who will treat you that way, it might be a sales pitch for you. Among other things, that means I won't suddenly come up short if we go out or suggest something as bone- headed as ``going dutch'' (or worse). However, you should not have aspirations of dining in Fiji unless you have two round trip tickets in hand and have taken care of the accommodations.

Depending on the nature of the relationship you seek, exclusivity on your part may be negotiable. If you are seeking a long term, exclusive relationship, I will expect exclusivity from the outset. If you are interested a non-exclusive relationship of any sort, that relationship will never become an exclusive one. Casual dating with eventual exclusivity does not work for me. I could eventually be Mr. Right, but I'm not going to make that sort of promise nor expect you to be that patient. On the other hand, if you just ooze sensuality, I can easily be seduced into fixing that broken faucet and performing other tasks (including kissing) that guys are supposed to be able to do, but most cannot, especially after they get married.

What's in it for you? The answer will be fully revealed in the presentation I've developed for you to enjoy in the comfort of your home. Obviously, yours truly is just one of the benefits you will receive.

I'm fairly average looking (in my opinion). The photo is not recent, but it is the only one I had already on disk, so if looks are crucial, the most efficient plan is to just wing it and run if necessary, when we meet. If I'm just not going to do it for you, go home, take a Valium and forget about ever contacting me. I won't wallow in existential malaise over being kicked to the curb and demoralized. If you really wanted to rip my clothes off, go home, take a cold shower, call me and beg for mercy. Just don't expect begging to be very effective.

If you are averse to taking even a small risk, we probably wouldn't get along anyway and there are plenty of profiles out there where you can trade off the ability to spell, punctuate and write complete sentences using something that resembles English for a photo and few misspelled words collected into sentence fragments like, ``Hy How R U.'' I'm not desperate and I won't try to talk you out of making a tragic mistake, even if you taunt me a second time. That has already been tried twice by women who are apparently still hunting through the ``Hy How RU'' profiles. Because of several meetings in noisy bars which made talking a real chore, I will not meet you any place where a conversation mainly consists of yelling, ``What?'' Intelligence is also a big deal to me and trying to deduce intelligence by lip reading over Metallica being played in the background at 110 dB is difficult, especially since I like Metallica. If you want to talk to me on the phone before meeting, I'll give you my number so you can block yours and call me. If you are a flake, do not contact me. I've already met one of those. Also, don't plan to meet me with an attitude unless your attitude is good company, because three is a crowd. Eccentric or just plain weird is fine, however.

If I haven't discouraged you yet, keep reading. I prefer women with an athletic build and the ``few extra pounds'' category is a limit, depending on exactly what that means. Personality counts. I've gotten used to ``b1tchy,'' but it's not an absolute requirement. If you don't put up with any bullshit, and you usually don't throw things which break easily, I'd consider that a plus. As I noted above, I also prefer women who are intelligent. If you think you're smarter than anyone you know, you're perfect. Don't hesitate to invite me over for some intellectually deep pillow talk, but please be correct if you tell me that. You should be between the ages of 25 and 39. The lower and upper limits are not fast and tight if you are. I know this probably sounds superficial, but I'm a guy, so what else would you expect? An offer for a deep and philosophically satisfying hookup with a centerfold model will also be given serious consideration. Finally, if you can't kiss very well, you must at least be willing to practice and improve.

I'm well educated, my interests are many and diverse and I can talk in depth on most any subject. I guarantee that I am literate at the three syllable level. You can now have rewarding discussions on topics like relativistic quantum field theory without your date getting lost before you even get to second quantization. Even though I have a lot of (dubious) formal education, I do not confuse intelligence or being educated with having gone to school. I am also a talented bikini line reader. By slowly tracing out your bikini line, I can tell you who will next get you hot and bothered. So far, I'm batting 1000, but I need more data. Volunteers are welcome to apply.

Please do not offer me advice on how to make the truth more palatable. I'm doing my best to avoid finding new ways to create false impressions since that would undermine my mission statement. If you find an error in my spelling or grammar, however, please point it out so I can correct it and continue to harp on others about that with a clean conscience. As an incentive for women to improve my writing skills, I will deliver the bubble bath formula of your choice and draw your bubble bath if you find an error. If you're wrong, we flip for who buys the Mr. Bubble.

Whatever I can get away with -- Caveat Boinker