Rather than add to the pile of generally indistinguishable mundanity, I thought I’d take this time to answer the more commonly answered questions a potential lady friend of mine might ask. Here we go.

How are you?
(This is a very common question.) To answer, I am well, thanks.

What do you do?
Well, I generally spend my days masking my contempt for those around me, and eating crackers.

No, I mean, as a living?
Oh, that. There are computers involved, but if I go into any further detail, I fear you may lapse into a boredom-coma.

What are your hobbies?
I like to write, and the requisite reading of course. I also like going for walks through the city and beating hobos with an old rubber hose.

omg yur funny lol?
Uhh…you must leave now.

What’s your sign?
I’m a big fan of anything with ‘Next Exit’. (That’s right, I like getting off..the highway.)

What do you look for in a woman?
I would say smartiness is my foremost requirement. If a chick can do math in her head or recite favorite poems from memory or order a complicated Starbucks latte without fumbling, I’m sold.

Can you hold my purse?
Sure, but you’ll have to hold my oversized replica world rally championship trophy. (I never go anywhere without it.)

What’d you do in school?
I did a healthy mixture of corporate BS and mathematics. Actually, come to think of it, corn pops and bacon grease are probably a healthier combination…

What do you usually have for breakfast?
Not corn pops and bacon, that’s for sure.

Are we done here?
Yeah, I think so.

So there it is. If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

Oh, I'm up for anything. If I don't run screaming for the hills before the date even starts, I count it as a win...

Must not do drugs
Must not be married
Must not smoke