A gifted listener, confidant and philosopher, presidents and heads of state frequently seek out my advice on matters ranging from disarmament to getting rid of underarm stains.

At lunch I design nuclear fusion reactors, paying particular attention to the implementation of biodegradable fuel bundles.

I can create culinary delights using only pancake batter mix and the seasoning packet from Stove Top Stuffing.

I was once called upon to explain the Theory of Relativity to a group of Mafia chieftains during a Tupperware party and then performed "Ave Maria" for their blushing wives on the accordion.

While doing covert ops for the CIA in South America, I single handedly negotiated for the release of high ranking political prisoners using nothing but my charm, poise, a box of "I Love Lucy" videos and Girl Scout cookies.

I shall now insert one of the plethora of smiley creatures this site offers as a way to spruce up ones profile, but what it infers I have not a clue. Regardless, I choose the dancing green banana:

OK, it's time to add more "stuff" to this thing. Sooooooo it's time for (drum roll) - a quiz!

That's right, this is a test and if you fail, well, that means big trouble! So sharpen your pencil – swallow a bottle of Ginko Balboa - get out a notepad - and let's begin!

Test rules:

1. No wagering against the competition. Cripes, this isn’t Vegas you know…
2. No cheating – that means you can’t “use a lifeline” and call your pals for answers.
3. No calculators and/or measuring devices allowed (that includes but isn’t limited to anything by Ronco including what should be a staple in every woman’s glove compartment if she’s serious about impressing men – the Pocket Fisherman).

OK, here we go. Answer the following to the best of your ability. You have 60 seconds per question and you’re on the honor system here – so don’t cheat and remember the Tooth Fairy, Santa or the Easter Bunny are watching and will penalize you accordingly if you so much as even *think* about using Google.

Question 1:

Little Johnny had 5 apples. He ate one and gave Little Mary 3. How many apples did Little Johnny have left?

Question 2:

So far on Plenty of Fish I have met mostly:

a) Flounder
b) Large Mouthed bAss’s
c) Mullet
d) (pain in the) Wrasses
e) Filet of Soul

The following are Quiz Taking User Contributions (or QTUC's as we call them in the trade):

f) sunless fish
g) crappy
h) spineless eel
i) spineless puffers
j) blowfish

Question 3:

If the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 6, what time is it in Sri Lanka?

Question 4 (extra credit):

Little Johnny decided to build a nuclear implosion fission device. Given that he planned to use a 2 inch beryllium tamper with a small (1 gram) polonium core to initiate neutron bombardment, how much plutonium would Little Johnny need to achieve critical mass?

Please express your answer in either:
a) kilograms or
b) the equivalent mass as expressed in number of boxes of Kellog’s Corn Flakes

Thank you for your participation. Please note that your answers will be compiled as quickly as possible by our overqualified but underpaid team of analysts and results will be delivered forthwith.

I think forthwith means pretty soon, but since we aren’t Fedex, we don’t concern ourselves with petty details like achieving a stellar performance rating.

05/03/09: Supplemental Note (mental being the keyword in the phrase):

It has come to the attention of staff that a statistically high number of candidates are flunking the quiz miserably.

We aren’t sure if this is a geographical oddity or a national trend.

Taking into account that our staff meetings usually degrade rather quickly into either trips to the zoo to watch the monkeys, lewd games of Twister or pic-a-nics and BBQ’s on the beach it’s unlikely we will ever find out.

However, not wanting to see any candidate miss this exciting opportunity, we have come up with what we think is a viable solution: “The Obi Wan Canolli After-School Detention Program”.

Candidates who score lower than a 65 percentile rating on the quiz relative to the “National FCAT SAT MENSA Average” (we have no clue what this means either) will be classified as “detainee’s”, held after class for detention , dressed up in a “Princess Leia” outfit and forced to write “Obi Wan Canolli, you’re my only hope!” several hundred times on the blackboard. We have found through careful Pavlovian stimulus/response experiments that this produces a rather remarkable lowering of test scores, but lots of fun for both the detainee and trainers alike.

We hope this new program will add to your all around pleasure and enjoyment, which is always the desired goal of staff and management.

Attempt a bank robbery or perhaps knock off an armored car.

Foregoing the above, meeting for coffee or a beverage where we can talk and get to know each other would be ideal. I think in POF parlance they actually call this a "meet and greet".

On a serious note: I seek that which I’m willing and able to offer: Depth and substance. The ability to play well with others. I can emote. I’m eloquent (but can be verbose). Superficiality isn’t in my vocabulary (so to speak). I enjoy my life and easily entertain myself, so I’m not looking for filler. I seek someone who can enhance my world as I would hopefully do theirs.

Someone once said that the brain is the most important erogenous organ we have - I couldn’t agree more. Attraction, romance and eroticism should begin there and work its way south. Looks are important, but if we don’t “click” intellectually and mentally and our senses of humor don’t gel, it’s unlikely we would be compatible. This generally happens or doesn’t happen on a first “meet and greet”. If the chemistry is there, then this can be extended to include just about anything, but if two people find it just isn't happening, then it's an easy out for both.

One final note to all you beach walkers: My team of scientists have concluded that if all the people on POF who actually *say* they want to walk along the beach really *did*, their total gravitational effect would equal 64,239 solar masses, thereby creating a huge black hole that would swallow the earth in seconds. So be careful out there and do your part to take care of the planet, mmk?

If you made it all the way down here, you get a well deserved coupon for a free box of donuts. Thanks for stoppin’ in. :)