Two of my favorite jokes:


A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and an eye patch walks into a bar. He sits down to have a beer and a stranger sitting next to him asks, “So what happened to the leg, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“Argh,” the pirate answers, “a fierce storm tossed me overboard, and a shark bit it off.”
“Oh,” the stranger says. “How about the hand?”
“Argh, I boarded a ship and fought the captain, and he took me hand before I made him walk the plank.”
The stranger then asks about the pirate’s eye. “Argh, a seagull sh*tin me eye,” replies the pirate.
“sh*tmade you lose your eye?” asks the confused stranger.
“No,” the pirate answers, “’twas the first day with me hook.”


A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”
The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”
Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.
The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”

Ask me!