i guess i should really take the honest approach as you broads really like gay sh*t like that. how ever the truth can be a mixed blessing like poorly guarded unlabeled pharmaceuticals.
let me start by sayin' i hate women, but i love sluts! so you see i'm complex like that; layers like an onion. don't get me wrong i like vaginas an all i just don't like how they are attached to women so until they can make some non opportunistic **** free android sex slaves i'm still left wanting. did i offend you? great, now i got your attention. it's an old carnie trick! if your still offended chances are your a card carrying member of C.U.N.T.S. (can't understand normal thoughts society). now all this misogyny (for comedies sake) may seem like much for an opener but you might seem surprised to know i'm more of a feminist then most women, yeah f'ed up huh!
hey man if your serious you can only lose, sayin is open to self interpretation
-warm blooded human male

-anatomically correct

-i've been told i'm quite handsome... by my grand mother but she has bad glycoma. my mother on the other hand says i'm "uglier then a dented can of smashed ***holes" followed by her annual speech on how i'm the worst thing that ever came outta her body including all those times she had diarrhea. she was probably just cranky from not sleeping for six days because of the crystal meth she was using. gay men find me attractive for what its worth making me wish more chicks had their taste in men, ain't life cruel.

-dry self deprecating sense of humor (check!)and it makes for a great defense mechanism!

-fetishes: rejection, it gets me harder than micheal jackson in a BABY GAP change room wafting the scent of boys. so if you want to turn me on turn me down. (reverse psychology works 70% the time, every time. little something i picked up from Cosbyology, thanks Bill)

-choice of vocation: comic book artist. although if that doesn't pan out i'll make preparations to become a cult leader where i can prey on other peoples stupidity and be worshiped like a god the irony being that i'm a born again atheist just like god (think about it). i have also had brief employment in porn... on the radio, blind people love it. i essentially sit in a sound stage grunted into a microphone and stuffed my fist into a mayonnaise jar to simulate the sounds of intercourse, don't worry i wore a condom, better safe then sorry right ladies!

-wide assortment of interests and hobbies one of which is karaoke but i'm not like most douche bags that act like they are auditioning for idol and sing the song the way the musician intended, thats too easy. i want to rape and defile the classics in front of an audience for example instead of "my sherona" i sing "my scrotum"

-turn-ons: broads that can take a punch (kidding), vagina's

-turn-offs: chicks that put down shopping (with other peoples money) as a hobby. what the **** is that! you might as well say that your spirit animal is a parasite like a leech you stupid pair a titz! a gal like that would sooner prefer chocolate or a fuggin' herbal shampoo to intercourse, now that is perverse. if i have to buy my way into your pants your a prostitute and the worst kind because not only do i have to "seduce you" with money i'm not even guaranteed sex by the end of the night even if i lay a trail of money from the bar into my bedroom! what ever happened to money paid service rendered? it's a bad business practice and you can't even complain to a representative of the better business bureau; a pimp.
whats the big fuggin' deal with the rumor that if a guy can't dance he's terrible in the sack? that is the worst criteria to judge whether a guy can make you orgasm chances are if he's not black or latino and he can dance well he's probably as queer as liberauchi's man slave.
how about girls basing whether they will get along with a fella on the shoes he wears. and i thought we men were supposed to be shallow. i'd bang a broad even if she was rockin bread bags on her feet.
then their are girls who say their ideal mate has to have blue eyes? just say "racially pure aryans need only apply, hiel hitler!" you know what, i got brown eye that wants to whisper a secret into your bigoted ear.
how bout those picky pretentious dingleberries that have more turn-offs then then turn-ons. they sound off like a bad seinfeld routine "whats the deal with..." no fuggin' wonder your single and a professional "handball player"
...that one hit close to home.

-pet peeves: people that take my jocular humor too seriously, honestly people when the **** did a guy need to be licensed to talk outta his ass, granted sarcasm may not translate well in text but who the **** made you a member of local literalists union 471? have you ever heard of "the voice of descent" or "the devils advocate" i'm not talking about keanu reeves films i'm talking about various devices of conversation, but don't take my word for it check out your local library.

-believe it or not i am a humble, tolerant and very accepting person. so now your wondering "whats with the attitude?" well it's a side effect from peoples lack of understanding and compassion for yours truly and i've been diagnosed with very mild aspergers syndrome other wise known as the "douchebag disorder". if you have begun to feel any pity then i should tell you i'm just yanking your chain, you shoulda seen your face: priceless!

-feel free to message me with your complaints, simply write a small note and express mail it up your ass.
oh yeah and no adding me to your favorites unless you've messaged me first or your a friend, yuh chickensh*tstalkers! just because its creepy when a guy does it doesn't mean you have fuggin' carte blanche cuz of your vagina, you know what **** it no favorites at all that shits lame. this is one of those instances where their is no double standard to protect you. oh before i forget no ****in' pen pals! if i wanted one of those i would do hard time in a correctional facility and i'd have a better chance of getting a conjugal. seriously why the **** would you be on here just to have pointless banter with complete strangers you socially sterile tard.
sorry for the prolixed rant

sincerest boners: steve

ciao-a-bunga beyitches!

well as i'm legally obligated i would tell you i'm a registered sex offender, nothing too unsavory - i just stirred a co-workers drink with my wiener... who knew that was a sex crime? just sounds like good clean fun to me especially because of their reaction. part of me still can't believe i was charged when the scalding coffee burn on my Peewee Sperman was punishment enough! where was i? oh yes the date, i was thinking something that would set the tone for the rest of the night, really show my romantic side like take in a dog fight. after all nothing says romance like two dogs disemboweling each other for our own perverse pleasure. once thats got our blood running we could spectate one of my favorite blood sports: russian roulette, a mans game were "two men enter, one man leaves" this being the collective chant of the onlookers. after the fatal conclusion of the game we'd do "whippits" and other such intoxicating inhalants and mug those smaller and weaker then us not for their money or possessions but for the sheer thrill. naturally when the high from the aforementioned excessive stimulus begins to lose potency, we'd go to my favorite opium den and "chase the dragon" as the Chinese might say. after we awake (if we do) from our drug induced stupor we would go to a five star restaurant and dine followed by a frenzied dash. with our strength renewed i'd take us in search of a discarded street mattress where we could bang like two drunken chimps. the sexual experience for you would be comparable to diarrhea: dirty, uncomfortable, and quick but no need to worry the intercourse would be equally degrading for both of us. when our night of living dangerously comes to its dawn i would deposit you at your respective place of residence lean in close and... ask for two hundred bucks to go get high. i'd make false promises of paying you back one day and disappear into the night in which i came. the only time you'd see me again would be when you stumble across my chalk outline. if you have read this far congratulations your not illiterate! if you believed anything i've described in our fictional "first date" then you are a credulous mongoloid and i will have you know i don't date retards, i don't care if you won a gold medal at the special olympics. maybe you were just offended by the content, fair enough. now all i ask is that you stop taking yourself so seriously get the **** off your high horse and passionately **** yourself (hard)! now you may be wondering my motive for selling my self so short and giving you a very jaundiced picture of who i am not, it's the simple purpose of weeding out the turds in pretty packages that are overly judgmental as i find women like that are very two dimensional and have no merit in the realm of personality, intellect and empathy, i believe they call them cum dumpsters. if you found it funny and amusing, great! we might have something to work with... as long as you're not an ugly or a fatty or a combination of the two.