...it's the Holiday Season, and I am currently accepting applications via the P O F e-mail system for my Holiday Office Parties Date. This is your standard corporate office holiday party, complete with mediocre food, semi-drunken co-workers, a lameassed gift exchange, and plenty of uncomfortable silences.

The qualified candidate should meet the following MINIMUM criteria; personal interviews may be conducted upon the initial screening process being completed:

* Must not be afraid to accept messages from someone who may have (inadvertently, of course) previously messaged someone for intimate encounters;

* Must not have one of those 'fish personality' things in the headline of their profile. OMG. That's so gay.

* Must not have the words or phrases "drama free," "games," "game player," "head games," or "seeking the love of my life" (or any combination thereof) within their profile text, as these terms have not been definitively defined across the broad spectrum, and therefore are quite subjective and unfairly applied.

* Must not have a photo of their child(ren), their pet(s), their ex-spouse(s)/fiance(s)/live-in lover(s), or a sunset on their profile; I don't mind that you have one, many, or ALL of these...I just don't want to date THEM. Plus, that whole kids-on-your-dating-profile-page kinda creeps me out in a DATELINE:NBC - TO CATCH A PREDATOR kinda way. (:::shudder:::)

* >> And > must not have an obviously-severely-cropped photo of yourself, cutting out the guy who was standing next to you. That's just tacky.

* >> Also > if you post a picture of you with one of your girlfriends as your MAIN photo, and DO NOT LABEL IT to define which one is YOU and which one is HER, I'm going to assume you're the cuter one ('cause, seriously, who's going to put a picture of someone better looking than themselves on their own profile??), AND that I get a two-for-one special, AND that BOTH of you are going to the Party with me. (All selection criteria will, of course, apply to your BFF as well.)

* Must look stunningly hotttttt in a "cocktail dress," or at least fabulously yummy in any other dress, so that everyone else at the Party will wonder "how the hell did he end up with THAT hottie?";

* Must be willing to act as though we've actually known each other for more than 14 hours prior to the Christmas party;

* Must be willing to act somewhat interested in whatever I'm saying, whenever I'm saying it;

* Should be able to consume copious amounts of holiday spirits and NOT disclaim any responsibility for the night's events by saying, "ohhhhh, I was soooooo drunk!" the next morning.

* Should own and be willing to wear a pair of hot, strappy, F-Me stilletto heels or F-Me pumps. AND be able to walk in them. AFTER consuming copious amounts of holiday spirits. AND be willing to wear them in the bedroom. AFTER consuming copious amounts of holiday spirits. AND not disclaim any responsibility for the night's events by saying, "ohhhhh, I was SOOOOO drunk!" the next morning.

* Should be willing to take a cab home the next morning.

If this sounds like YOU, please reply now and be sure to attach a photo of yourself, to your email, which would make me drop everything and immediately write back to you, no matter what I was doing. Remember: PRESENTATION IS EVERYTHING.

Time is of the essence! I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Christmasly yours,
Chuck

Pretty much anything is OK with me, on a first date. Except ferrets. I am uncomfortable around ferrets. So, anything related to ferrets and dating would not be good for me.. I don't mind chinchillas, guinea pigs, or hamsters, though. Squirrels are cute, too, so I guess a squirrel on our date would be OK. Or maybe a sugar glider. They're freaky.