Someone forwarded me one of those emails with general horoscope descriptions, and although I don't really believe in that, I shamelessly plagiarized the entire thing to come up with this "about me" section, taking out whatever words I thought described me.

Here goes:

Practical. Often pessimistic. Hold grudges. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Adventurous and spontaneous. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Smart and witty. Argumentative and outspoken. Always wants the last word. Dislikes noise and chaos. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Procrastinator (look how long it took me to write something here). Romantic. Passionate. Doesn't want to grow up. Indulges self. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Often fantasizes. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Doesn't like being doubted.

I didn't want to post something about this, because I don't want to alienate or offend anyone here, but I feel now that I must. Ladies, PLEASE have some things in your online dating profile that us guys can actually respond to. Something unique. Or more accurately, something uniquely YOU. I know people are uncomfortable writing about themselves, but it seems to me that 99% of the profiles I look at are exactly the same (minus the pictures). Nobody stands out. Everyone describes themselves exactly the same way, like "I'm down to earth/laid back/outgoing/fun." Seriously, doesn't everyone think this about themselves? And even if you don't, would you advertise it? Are there any profiles where someone says "I'm an uptight, boring ***hole"?

And PLEASE, for the love of God, avoid the following cliches:
- I live life to the fullest (I only live my life like 50%)
- I love my family and friends (Really? Because I hate mine)
- I love to go out (and its usual follower) "but I'm just as happy staying home and watching a movie" (this one has to be in the first online dating profile ever written)
- I love to have fun
- I love to laugh
- I love to have a good time
- I like to try/experience new things
- I'm up for anything (Really? Wanna go for a walk in downtown Camden at 3 AM? It'll be fun.)
- I love to hang out with my friends (FYI - this is NOT a hobby or interest)
- I'm not looking for drama/tired of games (Not me. Bring on the crazies, I say.)
- having a picture of your pets. I'm not trying to date your dog. Unless your dog likes to laugh and have fun and is up for anything.

I did a little experiment. I looked at 10 profiles to see how many had at least one of the above in them. 8 out of 10. Amazing. I just read a profile, the first one I looked at today, that had FOUR of those cliches in the first four sentences. That has to be a record. The point is, EVERYONE loves to laugh. Everyone loves their friends (though I suppose not everyone loves their family, and being family oriented IS an important quality that not everyone possesses). Everyone loves to go out and have a good time. If you didn't, you a) wouldn't be here, and b) wouldn't admit it on a dating website. Have you ever met anyone who hated having fun?

I'm sure this isn't gender-specific, but obviously I don't look at other dudes' profiles. I'm sure I did in fact just piss off the majority of women who might look at my profile. All I'm saying is that it is tremendously difficult to write you a meaningful email that stands out from the usual "Hey, you're hot, wanna hook up?" email you ladies get, when there's nothing uniquely you for us to write about.

Now I have to add a disclaimer here at the end. Please don't think I'm bitter or angry, because I'm not. I've had some wonderful experiences through this site. The above is half-joking and meant to be viewed as satire. Although like most satire, there's a lot of truth in it!