I am looking for a woman who is good in bed. I mean really good. I mean no snoring and no shouting out loud in the middle of the night. And no pushing up against me or anything like that. And no perfume either. Ewww.

Toenails must be trimmed. And no trumping and shoving my head under the duvet. No chewing on the duvet (it makes the duvet go mouldy). And if there's a spider on the ceiling I don't want to know. They've got a right to be there.

Look, I'm fed up with the idea already so stay in your own bed and let me sleep in mine, OK. It's a nice kingsize and I can lay anywhichway without you interfering with the process. Suits me fine, suits you fine.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I would turn up. I would shower before turning up. You can't ask for more than that. After all I don't know you.