Hi there and thanks for looking me over, Ms. (Insert your name here).

Is this profile going to be graded? What's the curve? Well, if I can convince you to read this thing all the way through and on top of that have you show mercy in your grading, I will plant a tree in your honor every day for the rest of my life or until next Tuesday, whichever comes first.

Me: Happy, fun, sunny, intelligent, responsible, open, honest, romantic, good conversationalist, intensely curious, optimistic, considerate, masculine (you should see me open jar lids -- one-handed!), spiritually inclined, knowledgeable, communicative, bipedal, intuitive on a good day; relatively good-looking on a really good day; humorous (I wonder if you're reading this and thinking "NOT!"); by nature committed to honesty, fidelity , mutual respect; former Jeopardy Champion...well, not really, but hey, I could have been, maybe -- it's certainly within the realm of implausible probability. Errr-free typist; excellent manners; consistently smells good. Always thoughtful, helpful and highly affectionate. Approves of public displays of affection. Highly approves! In fact, I hope you'll have wild carnival knowledge with me on the checkout desk at the local public library. (Now, that's just like carnal knowledge except for the wearing of the exotic costumes and I get first dibs on the Zorro look)

Oh yeah, back to me. Love the natural world and all animals but have none anymore, am great with kids or anybody, really. Love a lot of things, who could name 'em all? Could you? I mean really. Come on, I double-dare ya!.............See, it ain't so easy, is it, Baby?

You: She Who Remains Hidden

If you write and you're her, I will pay you one billion dollars.

Marry you -- right then. "Where's that drunken preacher?"