I don't ride a motorcycle. I put the toilet lid down. I can burp louder than you. I am the barnacle (old and crusty).

Are you disturbed? Do you put the ice in your drink after you've already filled it causing the drink to spill all over the damn place? Do you talk juicy? If so, I may be your man.

Hey there ladies, I'm Steven. Yep, I've displayed my correct age AND up to date pictures. You won't get any pick up lines or clever things from me. Nope, won't "shower" you with constant compliments, gifts or beg for anything. I figure I can rely on my dry sense of humor and wit to win your heart, not cheap jewelry or $500 Coach purses. I'm just a guy and contrary to popular belief, I do have feelings.

I have 3 kids that live out of state. I delivered 2 at home. I'm originally from Austin, Texas.

I'm pretty happy with my life. I do have baggage and will admit that. It doesn't consume me, though. I'm pretty blunt and to the point. One thing I won't do is perv on you as I have NO reason to (unless that is your M.O, of course).
I dunno, though...I'll tell you that I'm no angel or prince. I've been the "nice guy" for a long time and got crapped on. I've been the "jerk a$$hole" and that has gotten me nowhere, either. It's so confusing out there. Are you a regular girl that doesn't act retarded? I've learned just to be myself, you know....maybe a little bit of the both above.

Now, let me make a few guesses:

You see a guy's profile. He has a motorcycle. He has pictures of him in the bathroom mirror with his shirt off. You end up chatting or emailing. He gives you some shining resume on his life and blows smoke up yer backend. You meet, he's somewhat charming. He may be the shiznit, but he ain't got nothin' on me - I know how to TRULY love.

Well, let me set the record straight. I dye my hair and don't have that gleaming smile (like on the gum commercial) I don't have a motorcycle - hell, I can barely ride a bicycle. I'm skinny, I wipe my hands on my pants and chew gum loudly. Come on, you know you do the same thing. There ain't no napkin-tuckin' here.

With me, what you see is what you get. I'm not perfect and have learned my lessons in life (I think). In fact, I don't hear very well. BUT....I will make you laugh your ass off and guarantee a good time. I admit I've made lots of stupid mistakes in my life - just ask me about them, you'll be amused, I'm sure!

About my career: I'm an armed BPO in the Charlotte area. I've got nearly 8 years experience in high-end security/loss prevention. No, I'm not a guard. This is my lifework - protecting people. I will be starting my Criminal Justice degree this fall - fully paid for by the State of North Carolina. My career is moving forward and I see a bright future. A long-term goal is Embassy work overseas. I'd be nice to have company, too! I'll be honest, I don't make six figures and struggle a lot, but, it means nothing in the end.

Food for thought:
Isn't it amazing how everyone here on POF says the same thing. How they want to be loved, cherished, respected and no walls put up, blah blah blah? Now, how many people have you met actually are like their profile? Let me guess. None? I can't say I am 100%, but, that is for you to judge. Hey, I won't lie. I do like sex, being sensual and stuff, but, it won't be the main topic of our conversation because I don't care.

My parents are still married and I have a great relationship with them. I would hope you do too.

My requirements are simple. Don't lie to me. Don't stand me up. Don't lead me on. Don't lie about your size or age before we meet. Don't be hung up on your ex. Have a job and your own responsibilities. And last, but not least, be yourself.

LET ME MAKE MY INTENTIONS CLEAR: I am looking to date one person on a regular basis and hope that it becomes long term. A COMMITMENT.

Now, extras: I really like french manicures, very little makeup and just t-shirt and jeans. I have NO need to be in any relationship, but, dang, it sure would be great.

I have a career.
I don't live with mommy.
I have a new car.

AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE MY PROFILE:

A bit of unsolicited advice for the ladies: You know, I may not be the greatest guy in the world, nor the best looking, but remember, the guys you choose that are studly, got the tan and a Hollywood haircut, a 6 pack and a Lexus, a big account, can dance is good and fun and such for now, but, at the end of the day, guys like me who don't have all his hair, a previous marriage, baggage and struggling to get by at times are the ones that will honor you, respect you and treat you with respect and undying love. The grass isn't greener forever. BELIEVE IT.

A note to all my ex's in my past in case you stumble upon my profile or stalking me as usual: I wish you prosperity, happiness, forgiveness and may all your dreams come true.

A note to males who happen to look at my profile for ideas on posting, etc: Message me and I'll share some information on who to avoid here and why.

You may also visit my Fubar page: fubar dot com/ncpaperpants

Anyway, ladies, let's talk!

Anything non-conventional. How about bowling or maybe a picnic. How about NOT BSing each other with fake masks on over expensive coffee? How about meeting at the laundrymat (seriously) and doing clothes? How about a staring contest (loser buys the beer). I dunno.

Before we meet, you must print this out and bring it notarized before me:

*************************************************************************************

I, ________________________ do solemnly swear upon this day/month of ____________, 20___, that I will be over my ex before I meet Steven. I will not lead Steven on. I will be HONEST and TRUTHFUL the entire time. I will be laid back and not to pretend to be someone else. I will NEVER tell Steven that I love him. I will not cry upon the date. I will not judge Steven. I will not make phone calls during the date. I will not ask Steven about his divorce or child custody issues. I understand that if I possess a college degree, it doesn't make me better or more refined than Steven. If I've EVER cheated on anyone in the past - to include intellectually, physically or online, I will not consider Steven for a date. If I've ever rebounded, I will not consider Steven for a date. I refuse to go out with Steven if I've knowingly and falsly represented myself on my looks or proportion. I will not use Steven as a rebound. I promise that I have a job, a car and WILL return Steven's phone calls. I understand that Steven has children and has to deal with issues of that nature. I understand that Steven has a career, not a job and will not interfere with it. I understand that if this is all too much - and wish to have a perfect man, I will not consider Steven for a date. This I swear in the name of everything that does not suck.

X_________________________________________________

Printed Name _____________________________________

Witness Thereof __________________________________


[ PLACE NOTARY SEAL HERE ]


Ok, I'm kidding about that, but, it sure would be nice if life could be that simple.

Age between 18 and 42
Live in United States
Live within 75 miles.
You must have a picture to contact this user.
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Activity Partner
Must not do drugs
Must not be married