Hey, you clicked on my profile. So are you actually going to read it instead of just looking at the pictures?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

Chances are you are here because either 1) I contacted you or 2) you found me on a search. Eventually, it will only be because of the second reason since I’ve pretty much resigned myself to not bother wasting my time contacting anyone here. I’ve been here long enough and have been exposed to enough idiocy and rudeness to realize that I’m wasting my time when I try to reach out. As it stands now, I keep this profile open because I log in to read the forums.

If you’re still reading this, then there might be a notion in your head about contacting me. I’m sorry to say, chances are I’m not interested. The top 20 reasons for this are simply:

1) I have no desire to date someone old enough to be my mother or young enough to be my child. The only exceptions I’m willing to make would be if Raquel Welsh or Jessica Alba contacted me. For the humor-impaired, that’s a sarcastic way of saying there won’t be any exceptions.

2) If you need medication to feel good about yourself or you think that drugs of any kind are a good thing, then please don’t waste my time.

3) I keep in shape (even though I have a shirt on in my pictures). If you are not in shape, then there is no way I’m going to feel attracted to you. Yes, this applies even though round is technically a shape.

4) If you don’t own a car, click on the next profile. I don’t live in the city, I will never live in the city and I’m happiest when I’m really far from the city. Give me the mountains and the country any day.

5) If you are showing off your tattoo in your photo, keep moving. Despite the fact that I ride motorcycles and I’m a combat veteran, I don’t have any and I find them repulsive. The same goes for body piercing. I have no problem with ears or a navel (if you have the body for it), but the nose, lip, eyebrow, cheek, nipple, etc. makes you look like an idiot.

6) If you think Michael Moore is insightful, socialism is a good thing, Che Guevara was anything other than a piece of excrement and conservative is a curse word, then keep moving.

7) If your profile is 3 sentences long and you took all your pictures by holding the camera up over your head while you gave your best pouty face while zooming in on your boobs, keep moving. All my pictures were taken by another person. Yes, fancy that, I actually have friends that take my pictures.

8) I have 2 cats that I rescued and I used to have a dog. I live alone and I’m away too often to have a dog again even though I really want one. Animals will always be a part of my life and if you don’t feel that way then we have nothing in common.

9) If you believe that 9/11 was a government conspiracy, you couldn’t click the “BACK” key fast enough for me. I was working in 1 WTC when the planes hit and I spent the better part of 3 months working on the pile so I could help bring my friends home.

10) I’m not a police officer. I’m a safety instructor and I teach them to ride. The same goes for the military safety programs. That being said, since most of my family are NYPD or FDNY and most have been in the military, if you have a problem with cops, firemen or soldiers, you’ll find the exit conveniently located on the upper right hand corner of this page.

11) Yes, I know your kids are your life. You can stop saying that in your profile now. We get it. You don’t see me going around saying, “Hey, air is my life and it is very important to me!” I’m not looking to replace or infringe upon your time with your kids…but I need my time with you as well. If you can’t make room in your life for me and you, then don’t bother to write me.

12) If you are separated, still married or in a relationship, then we have nothing to talk about. Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe in vows.

13) I am a writer and I treat writing as my art. Paragraphs are a good thing, punctuation is mandatory (“lol” is NOT punctuation) and text message abbreviations are OK only in text messages.

14) I ride motorcycles and I fly airplanes for fun. I’ve also been certified to teach others as well. I’m not going to ever give these things up. While I hope you would want do these things with me, I understand if it is not your thing. Just don’t believe for a second that you’ll convince me to ever stop.

15) If you have a problem with displays of affection like holding hands, having me touch your shoulder when I pass you, a quick kiss for no reason, touching the small of your back when we walk, etc., then I have no interest in you.

16) If you are looking for someone to complete you…keep looking. I only wish to compliment you…I can’t complete you.

17) I have an enormous amount of interests and I’m a walking contradiction. I quote Shakespeare, Sun Tzu and lines from dumb movies in the same breath. I listen to classical music and can easily switch over and enjoy shock jocks. I actually understand and read physics and relativity articles and then will pick up a motorcycle magazine. I’ll speak at safety seminars and then I’ll go and blow up my friends on the Xbox. I’ll shoot in competition, but I don’t go hunting. If you are confused or scared by this, you better cut and run now.

18) I am happy with the person I am and I’m proud of the things I have done. The only things I own of any value to me are my My Word and My Honor. These things can never be taken from you…they have to be given up voluntarily. However, once they are given up, you can never get them back. If you aren’t ready to give and receive honesty, then we are never going to work.

19) I am not a negative person. If you took anything I wrote as negative, then you probably lack the sarcasm gene in your DNA. Hence, we would not be a good match.

20) Finally, people claim they read profiles but they never do. If you made it down this far and you still wish to contact me, then make sure you put “Idiot” in the subject line. Otherwise, I’ll know you didn’t read this and I’ll probably enjoy making fun of you before I grow bored and ignore you.

OK, so that pretty much weeded out 99.9% of the people here. Wow, you are still reading this? Well, that can only be because none of these things apply to you, you have a morbid curiosity about what I’m going to say next or you’re just bored. In any event, I hope you were entertained.

First date? From this site? Excuse me, but I almost choked on my coffee! Ha, that is really funny! OK, fine, for a first date, let’s try and figure out the following:

-Why phonetic isn’t spelled the way it sounds,
-Why there are interstate highways in Hawaii,
-Why cigarettes are sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there,
-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why there are locks on the doors,
-If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how they make TEFLON stick to the pan,
-Why they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM,
-Why we drive on parkways and park on driveways,
-Why when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo,
-Why when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio,
-Why they sterilize the needles for lethal injection,
-Why abbreviation is such a long word,
-Why kamikaze pilots wore helmets,
-Why there an expiration date on a sour cream container, and finally,
-Why a bra is referred to in the singular yet panties are referred to in the plural.