Even stray dogs get a chance to find somebody to love them. How about a ‘singles’ pound? Instead of bars, women could go have a look at men who need rescuing. “Oh mommy! I like this one! Can we keep him? Please, please, please?" That might end badly for some of us. “Well, you know, we found him at the singles pound, and he was working out great at first. He was real protective of me and the kids, but then he started getting loose, coming home drunk and rolling in the flower bed, so I finally had to have him put to sleep.”

I am pretty sure if I tried to meet women in public places like the grocery store or library, even with the best intentions, I would end up being sprayed with pepper spray and hauled off to jail. I can be rather socially inept at times. I am a big, tall man, and even I am wary of overly friendly strangers. If I were a woman, I suspect that I would keep the mace or a stun gun handy. I am looking for companionship, not a restraining order.

I suppose I could try going to a laundromat and looking confused. Perhaps someone would take pity on me and show me how to do laundry then ask me out for coffee. Probably a gay man. The women would look at me and think "What a loser! Can't even do laundry! Just what I need, another kid to take care of!"

Actually, I can wash, fold, and iron clothes as well as any woman. I can certainly cook and clean house better than most of them. No big deal, but I can also do vehicle maintenance, fix literally everything around the house, and I am a licensed cosmetologist, so in an emergency I might help you do something with your nails and hair. I’m not volunteering, mind you. If you can do all this, you don't need a man, so why are you reading this? On the other hand, your battery powered devices won’t fix you breakfast in bed on your birthday, bring you flowers, or make chocolate fudge for you.

If for no other reason, though I can think of a few pleasant ones, I need a woman in my life to help me avoid all those unnecessary trips to the emergency room (my home away from home). More often than not, a woman will keep you from doing something totally stupid resulting in severe injuries and the destruction of your neighborhood. "Honey, I don't think you should use that gallon of high octane aircraft racing fuel to light the charcoal grill." So where were you guys when I impaled my thumb on an X-acto knife trying to cut a callous off my toe? It doesn't matter that I have everything I need to do a basic (and safe) pedicure. I am a single man, and super overkill is my policy. I'm glad I couldn't find my hunting knife.

Mental illness is not a prerequisite for meeting me, but it might be helpful. Since men think all women are crazy, I probably wouldn't even notice if you are. I would just think it’s me.

Once again, I have managed to write an entire profile without even hinting at who I am or what I am all about. If you have read this far, you may as well go ahead and send a message to ask what you would like to know. I have trouble writing about myself. I fear that I will sound like a bad TV commercial:

“It slices; it dices…it even makes Julienne fries!” I can do that, but it’s only really useful if you develop a craving for French fries at 3:00 AM.

The best thing would be to spend time learning about each other to see if we "fit". Meanwhile, though Southeast Ohio isn't exactly Disney World, I bet we could have some fun.