Marriage... it is the #1 cause for divorce in America :)

Okay, instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman that I don't like, have sex with her for a while and then give her a house and half my stuff, actually it will be a half of a half because I already gave half away - but I'm cool with it because the sex was on a pretty regular basis and in the end I was able to get rid of a lot of clutter - in my book it was a win/win.

Can someone please tell me what's up with that bullsh*t website e-harmony - it took me an hour to fill out the damned profile and then it told me that it couldn't match me with anyone... nobody. What the hell - surely there is somebody on that site that might find me worthwhile - damn...there has to be a circus freak or two on that site that they could pair me up with. Screw them (e-harmony, not the circus freaks, well, maybe the circus freaks too if they're cute enough).

About me:

Ambulance chasing attorney, recently disbarred and currently under indictment, seeks lady for honest relationship... kidding, she doesn't have to be honest.

About you:

Okay, so you're "not looking for a husband"... well, I'm not looking for a husband either, so we might have something in common right off the bat.

What are some rumors about Ray (note, these are just RUMORS - they have not been substantiated).

* Whenever I date a beautiful woman I think to myself, "this is the woman that I want my children to spend every other weekend with (note that I don't have any children)
* I'm a skilled musician and artist.
* I have a subscription to Cosmopolitan because it is so insightful.
* I am also a published poet and do work on the side for a company that publishes romantic greeting cards.
* I have a culinary degree.
* I think Dr. Phil is a genius, never mind that he's getting a divorce.
* I'm secretly attracted to Martha Stewart.
* I love to do housework.
* I I love chick flicks.
* I'm really big into Astrology.
* I love puppies AND kittens.
* I was looking forward to President Hillary Clinton.
* I have a six-pack from doing a thousand sit-ups a day.
* I love long walks on the beach, and sunsets.
* I hate sports.
* I love wine and hate beer.
* I think green tea is the answer to the current medical crisis.
* It's boxers not briefs.
* I am a firm believer that we were given two ears and only one mouth for a reason.
* I think hand-holding is sexy.
* I understand Cut, Color, Clarity, and Carat Weight.
* I was shocked when I found out that Playboy had pictures.
* I believe that chocolate is definitely one of the four main food groups.
* I left the monestary because of a longing for romance and companionship.
* I don't think a guy should have to worry about getting black eyes from boobs.
* I believe in friends first and refuse to be intimate until after I really get to know a person (PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY NUDE PHOTOS).

Remember, those are only rumors - well, actually, the bit about the boxers, puppies and boobs is true and I do enjoy hand-holding. And as far as cats are concerned - I'm not a cat person (get your mind out of the gutter)- I'm okay if you have one and I'll do my very best not to kick it... at least not while you're in the same room :)

A little more about me:

In reality, I just finished law school and I'm working for a great law firm in Milwaukee. Now it's off to my new life being the butt of lawyer jokes. Did you say you were a school teacher, nurse, dental hygienist - great, oh me, I'm a lawyer... I chase ambulances for a living. Of course, I do go through running shoes quicker than most (from chasing the ambulances). And all the running has rewarded me with a great set of lungs... yes, I'm talking about endurance (you better be smiling). Also, I have 6 toes on my left foot - not really, but there might be a quiz later just to see if you really read my profile.

I love travel and adventure - routines are okay and have their place, but too much routine can be hazardous. Boredom is my biggest enemy, so I try to stay busy doing something all the time - I tend to be pretty restless and I run from monotony and the mundane. I have pretty eclectic tastes - I love to hunt and fish, but I also enjoy culture and artistic endeavors. I love to work with my hands and don't mind getting them dirty - I can hang out in Lowes for hours or spend the afternoon touring an art museum. I have a very quick and clever wit, and a great sense of humor. If you don't like to laugh then move along because I'll probably have you in stiches for most of the night. Wait a second, if you don't like to laugh, but you're hot and like to have sex on the first date then I guess you can still contact me :) (Note: the woman that I want to go out will find that last sentence funny).

If I kiss you on the first date, it's because I like you. If I don't kiss you on the first date it's because I like you.

My goal at this point in life is to do all the crazy sh*t that's not covered in my life insurance policy. I've got my skydiving certification, but I'm looking for something that will provide an even greater rush (like courting and falling head over heals for a beautiful woman). Twenty years from now I don't want to be sitting back, disappointed over the things I didn't do. Right now I'm looking for my next adventure (open for suggestions and need a companion or someone to take pictures).

Also, I have recently taken up Improv Comedy in my free time and I'm currently taking classes at Comedy Sportz and the Alchemist Theater... it's a riot.

I'M LOOKING TO MEET SOMEONE WITH A BUBBLY LAUGH, SEXY SMILE, THAT WILL CAPTIVATE ME AND LEAVE ME TINGLING.

Well, I'm not gonna get married on the first date again - that didn't work out so well. Also, I'm gonna stay away from the date rape drugs too, I kept taking the damned things, but they didn't seem to help me get "lucky" - I don't know what all the hype is. So, I guess a first date would include something a little out of the ordinary, I'm kind of an adrenaline junkie and would love to do something that would challenge our senses of humor or freedom of spirits... but note that dinner and a movie are still acceptable stand-bys (if it's a good movie).

IN ANY EVENT, I'M SURE THAT ANY FIRST DATE WITH YOU WILL BE THE PERFECT DATE!


*****

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Lawyer & I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty damned cool."