Bitter, unsuccessful three toed mango peeling neurotic midget with collection of warning labels seeks someone to who likes eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches while watching Barney Miller reruns.



p.s. no freaks.

How do you write a pathetic personal?*

Step 1: Post a sassy glamour shot, preferably from the late '80s.

Step 2: Use a boa.

Step 3: Recent photos? Why bother? Go back and cut and/or scratch out your ex.

Step 4: Keep us guessing. Choose blurry photos.

Step 5: Waste everyone's precious time with painfully obvious bullshit.

Step 6: After joining a dating service, make it clear you do not intend to date.

Step 7: Remember, playing the victim is sexy. Let us know you're fresh out of a shitty relationship.

Step 8: Punctuation is completely optional.

Step 9: Misspell your profession, so as not to arouse any suspicion that you remotely give a sh*t about what you do.

Step 10: Why go to the extreme hassle of spelling words such as "to", "you" and "one"? Substitute them with single letters and numbers.

Step 11: Please, please, please quote unoriginal poetry such as Robert Frost or Jewel.

Step 12: Cuddling is a highly specialized and sought-after skill. Weed out the incompetent fools by mentioning it at least four times.

Step 13: Nice guys unite! While you're waiting for your testicles to descend, whine incessantly about how girls walk all over you.

Step 14: Set yourself apart from those cafeteria Christians by informing us that your relationship with J.C. is in fact personal.

Step 15: Do not under any circumstances double check your ad. Remember, we're going for spoteae~ui#ty.

Step 16: When trying to not attract players, you must make sure to post atleast one picture of your boobs.

Step 17: For best results make sure that you post atleast one of your pictures rotated 90 degrees.

Step 18: Make sure to leave the toilet seat up when taking those mirror shots in the bathroom.

* Source - Patheticpersonals