So to begin...and without the usual old malarky about log fires bottles of wine and cosy evenings in..Ahhhhhhhhh yes I know as nice as they are but to begin to try and describe myself that way would most likely result in fatal boredom long before I have finished tapping out my little piece here.So lets try this on for size and this is the edited version that cuts out all the b******t erm hope you like it ..........

I like to party ...But I am not an alcohol soaked vegetable

I have an opinion and do use it...But not an attitude

I appreciate the nicer things in life ...but am not a slave to them

I am laid back...But not horizontal
:down:
So if you are still here then thats the first hurdle past and things are starting to look positive so long as you don't fall foul of the ground rules below.
Must be able to have a laugh and a joke...get in touch I may tell you some.
Must not take themselves too seriously.
Must not judge by Size of paycheque.(show me yours and I will show you mine)
Must not be consumed by materialism.
Must not ask me for a virtual CV...this is not the Apprentice.
No nutters... im not a shrink.
No homicidal ex partners in the background.
A second date does not constitute a marriage proposal.
Lastly no Guns,Drugs or Nuclear Weapons..
And just one other thing....
X factor sucks Donkey balls..as does Eastenders(Eastwhingers)..and
That northern soap opera(well two to chose from there and both as bad as each other..and been to both locations)
and that come dancing thing..get real go to planet rock.com that will sort you out
..well think im about done..Disclaimer.. if you have made it this far pour yourself a big drink..but please use alcohol responsibily...yeah right......!!!


***Joke Board ***
Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny asks: "What is oral?"
Grandpa says: "I say **** you, she says **** you, too."

A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony. History professor: “Have you read Marx?” Psychology professor: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.

A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions – from fear to happiness, and so on. The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. “What have you come as?” the guy asks. “I’m green with envy.” “Wow, that’s brilliant,” says the host. “Come in and have a drink.” A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. “Wow, great outfit,” says the host. “And you’ve come as…” “I’m tickled pink!” she says. “Brilliant,” the host replies. Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his****suck in a pear. “What the hell are you both doing?” screams the host. “Well, I’m ****ing dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!”.


A man in court giving evidence in the witness box keeps clearing his throat, after a while the judge interjects and said " My I suggest that if your throat is dry that you try sucking on a Fishermans Friend" to which the man replies "I think thats how I got the sore throat in the first place"!!

A woman goes to the doctor. “These hormone tablets you’ve put me on are having some weird side-effects,” she moans. “Really?” asks the doctor. “What do you mean?” “For some reason I’ve now got hair all over my chest.” “How far does it go down?” “That’s the worst bit,” she says. “All the way down to my bollocks

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"



It’s the first day of football practise, and the coach notices that little Billy has a wee bit of talent. So he calls to Billy and tells to come over. “Hey kid,” he asks, “do you think you could pass a football?” little Billy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach. “Christ,” he replies. “I don’t think I could even swallow one ....


What’s the difference between a cross-country run and Anthony Worrall Thompson?...
well, one’s a pant in the country...

A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy. “A quickie, please” “Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?” “Yes,” says the man again. “A quickie.” Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff. “Mate,” says the guy at the next table, “it’s pronounced ‘quiche’......

Lets pull all the stops out on this one... take you out for a Kebab play your cards right and you will get chips as well, then its back to my place where I would show you my stamp collection...guess I will be beating you ladies off with a stick with an offer as rich as that !!!!!