LAUGHTER IS THE BEST APHRODISIAC!!!

Which
is
why
I've got Denzel's cheeks, Magic Johnson's smile,
Barack Obama's gift of gab and guile!
I've got Jim Brown's body, Malcolm's brain,
and I "...just say NO" to drugs and cocaine!


THE WOMAN I WANT:

LOCATION: Within 100 miles of any red light district

BODY TYPE: Warm, Cuddly, and DOUBLE-JOINTED

HEIGHT: From 5'0" to 5'10" (shorter than me when I'm wearing my cowboy boots hand made from the politically incorrect skin of an endangered species)

EDUCATION: PhD in Common Sense

EMPLOYMENT: Special consideration given if she's an heiress or trust fund baby

PROFESSION: Prim and proper kindergarten teacher by day. Tenured professor at Miss Boom-Boom LaRue's College Of Carnal Pleasures by night

INCOME LEVEL: Enough to treat me to a MacDonald's Happy Meal on my birthday

MARITAL STATUS: Single, Divorced, or Widowed ONLY!!!... Separated or Married women NEED NOT APPLY! I'm camera shy and don't relish being on the TV show "CHEATERS"

RELIGION: Any... As long as she doesn't practice human sacrifice

DRINKING HABITS: Special consideration given if she runs her own moonshine still.

HAVE KIDS: OK if she has kids, but only if they aren't still nursing...cuz I HATE sloppy seconds!

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Any... As long as she isn't featured in Ripley's Believe It Or Not

GROUP MEMBERSHIPS: Anything other than Ball Busters Anonymous, High Maintenance Heathers, or C**k Teasing Barbie Dolls

MORE ABOUT MY MATCH:
I want a woman who won't try to make me her b*tch when I use the "L-O-V-E" word. A woman who has initiative, and doesn't always wait for me to suggest places to go and things to do. A lady whose laughter is contagious.
And to quote Section A, Paragraph 2, Clause F of our pre-nuptial agreement, "...A WOMAN WHO ENJOYS TOPICAL, STIMULATING CONVERSATION JUST AS MUCH AS I DO!!!"

MORE ABOUT ME:
I have NO ex-wife entanglements, NO ex-girlfriend encumbrances, and NO baby mama drama. Which is why the 69 vestal virgins lap dancing at Trixie's Tasty Titty Tavern all say I'm TOO GOOD to be true.

I write poetry and short stories as a hobby.
My I. Q. Is unknown, but have been told I'm nobody's fool.

I looove Asian, Hispanic, and Indian foods.
Will probably make my first million by redeeming 2-for-1 dinner coupons at buffet style, all-you-can-eat restaurants.
I like long, slow, this-is-what-I-think-about-that walks, and even lonnnger, slooower hip-grinding French kisses.
T-shirt and jeans kind of guy, but can be coaxed into a business suit for funerals, weddings, fraternity toga parties, or chat room role playing. Will spend hours at a swap meet searching for one-of-a-kind gifts for girlfriend. Thought I looked wholesome and clean-cut, until "America's Most Wanted" asked to use my driver's license photo as a sample mug shot in their promos. I would never invite Clarence Thomas into your home, or Dennis Rodman into my swimming pool.

Last book read... the deliciously sexistential novel "KILLING JOHNNY FRY" by Walter Mosley.
Last woman kissed... Well, a gentleman NEVER tells.

I'm financially secure, BUT NOBODY'S SUGAR DADDY.
I'll pay your way to the Gold Diggers Ball at Buckingham Palace,
if you'll pay my way to the Pimps & Playas Hoedown at the Playboy Mansion.
So let's cut to the Rodney King chase and
"... All just get along" by paying our own way when we go to big ticket events like the $2.00 bargain matinee at the Butt Bugger Boogie Strip Club, or Casino Night at the Hallelujah-Sock-It-To-Ya-Charge-'Em-Admission-Then-Give-'Em-Religion Church.

My novel about interracial dating sites made Mr. Spock confess his secret love affair with Aunt Jemima. All you haters of interracial couples, my seconds will call upon you at midnight to arrange our duel at dawn...
PLEASE REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR DULLEST KNIFE TO OUR GUNFIGHT.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
By unanimous voice vote, every creature on Noah's ark elected me lifetime president of the Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals.
Which is why I LOVE animals, but I HATE pets! Don't expect me to French kiss your piranha, cuddle with your python, or bring a bouquet of flowers to your Tasmanian devil. Likewise, I REFUSE to give a blood sample to your vampire bat. I WILL NOT submit to a credit history check done by your chimpanzee, nor will I endure a personality compatibility test administered by your talking parrot. I'm extremely nervous around any cute l'il critter named "Adolf", "Psycho", or "The Terminator". The biggest lie told about a pet is: "He/She won't bite, pee in your car, or hump your leg." Which is why I WILL NOT double-date with you and your pit bulls unless they are shrink wrapped in the same full body straight jackets worn by Hannibal Lecter. I don't mind sleeping in the "wet spot", but I draw the line at sleeping on vapor trails of slime from Fluffy, your 40-pound snail. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but your diamond-back rattlesnake is my worst enemy when he has escaped from his cage, and you say you don't know where in your home he's hiding. I'm a firm believer in the Eleventh Commandment, which states that if people were meant to keep live animals in their home, God wouldn't have invented taxidermy.
HAVE A NICE DAY... Praise the Lord and pass the formaldehyde!!!