Hi, I'm a short, alcoholic, virus-ridden, misogynistic, serial murderer with bad breath and no ambition. How about a drink in a strip bar and then Motel 6?

Some favourite quotes:

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than****oaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to! "Hey - hold on fellas! Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure by the end of the day, you would start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'".

--Mitch Hedberg

Music is a mysterious art... and people that's really good at it... they get a little taste of the mysterious... sometimes mysticism, too. In fact, all of the time they have mystical, mysterious attributes, but it's whether or not they're aware of it that's important.
--James Booker

...nothing else than the narrow and perilous bridge between nature and spirit. His innermost destiny drives him on to the spirit and to God. His innermost longing draws him back to nature, the mother. Between the two forces his life hangs tremulous and irresolute.
--Hermann Hesse

And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
And in our own despite, against our will,
Comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.
--Aeschylus

Thrift, thrift, Horatio! The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
--Hamlet

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air;
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
--Prospero

O, wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in't!
--Miranda

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime...
--Andrew Marvell

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
--Dorothy Parker