Hey there. My name is Brian, and I'm not a doctor, a lawyer, a model, a rock star, a test pilot, a spy, a fireman, an astronaut, or a solar-powered refugee from the planet Krypton -- nice to meetcha. If you're still interested, feel free to pen me a missive. If not, I'll totally understand, and wish you a wonderful and prosperous life with whatever philandering, porn-addicted, axe-murdering pill-popper you end up with. Cheers!

Note: If you don't feel like reading this very long and somewhat silly profile, here's the Reader's Digest version: Honest, kind-hearted man with good sense of humor seeks strong-willed woman with similar qualities for chatting, emailing, and arguing (the good kind) -- willingness to play computer games a plus but not a requirement. No religious whack jobs or Scientologists, please.

Even More About Me:

I'm a [handful of flattering adjectives...feel free to Mad Lib] guy with several significant but hopefully endearing flaws. I'm in good physical condition, all of my limbs work, my skull is round and free of dents [photo attached], I have never been arrested, and I'm disease- and parasite-free (tres sexy, no?). I was born and raised in a small town in western Pennsylvania, so I'm intimately familiar with the rear end of Amish horses (we shared roads with their buggies y'see). I've got a goofy sense of humor and I love to banter. I have no children and have never been married, hence I have very little baggage. My voice is a sexy baritone and is not the least bit effeminate. I tend to be very affectionate and love to do very un-macho things like hold hands and cuddle on the couch (yes some guys really do like this believe it or not), so if you're the standoffish type you should probably pass me by. I have a strong sense of justice and honor, and will not hesitate to defend my friends. I have a brutally efficient conscience which makes lying very difficult, so I also tend to be brutally honest. I'm a dreamer and an idealist tempered with pragmatism and logic. I am non-religious, a self-described agnostic, and have a live-and-let-live philosophy towards life. I'm very tolerant towards the faithful, provided they go easy on the proselytizing. Oh and I have a cat. At least he started out as a cat, but seems to have evolved into a self-aware barf machine with an indiscriminate aim and an endless supply of ammunition. He's also a throw pillow and a mobile alarm clock. All in all, a pretty versatile pet, and I love him dearly.

Note Part Deux: I like computer games. I like them very much. I'm not a video game zombie like some poor slobs that I know, but I do enjoy playing them. I also know admitting this is a huge red flag for many women. Guess what. I don't care. And I won't give them up for anyone. Most guys love these games, yet very few will admit to it in their profiles because the hobby has such a stigma attached. For me (and probably most guys) it's just the opposite. If you dig computer and video games, your attraction rating with me automatically goes up ten points. And if you can make me laugh in your initial email, add another ten.

SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE CONTACTING ME

I'm a homebody.

I enjoy the comforts of home. Yes, I will also enjoy the occasional dinner date, theater, movie, nature hike, walk in the park, bike ride, zoo, museum, friend's house, vacation, road trip, etc., but my true love is sitting in a comfortable chair and reading a book, cuddling on the couch with a DVD, having friends over for game night, working in the yard, playing videogames, chatting on the computer, taking a nap, sitting around the fireplace with a bottle of wine and BSing, or just working on any of 1000 other home-based projects. I DO NOT DO THE CLUBS & BARS SCENE. If you're into that, then I'm not for you. I'm also a crappy dancer but am willing to learn for the right person.

I love animals.

Cats, dogs, ferrets, hamsters, horses, raccoons, rabbits...pretty much everything but birds (with the exception of ducks, which are pretty damn cool), squirrels, and reptiles. Right now I only have a cat, but that's likely to change. If you have allergies, are excessively neat, or hate [insert animal here], I probably wouldn't make a very good companion. Unless that animal is a squirrel (see below), in which case we can spend some quality time watching the Squirrel Catapult video on YouTube over and over again until we both puke from mirth overload.

I hate watching sports.

Okay, hate's a strong word...how about, 'I intensely dislike watching sports.' My dad and brother love 'em, but the sports gene passed me by. Some thick-neck types consider a guy who doesn't like sports to be kinda fruity. Guys like that tend to earn my scorn...and by scorn I mean a punch in the mouth (oh no he di'n't!). I like to play them once in a while, and occasionally I'll watch a hockey game if I'm in the mood, but other than that, I am sport-free. This can be a good thing or bad thing depending on your perspective. If you also hate sports, then by all means get in touch with me. If you're a sports nut...I'll tolerate you, but don't expect me to participate in your fanaticism.


F.U.Q. (Frequently Unasked Questions)

Q: What's your cat's name?
A: Sam.

Q: That's a dumb name.
A: That's not a question.

Q: So what are you, some kind of smartass?
A: Family tradition. My great uncle was a smartass under Patton.

Q: Who do you like in 2009, Obama or McCain?
A: The one who will embarass us the least.

Q: Ever tasted human flesh?
A: No, and I've never flown over the Andes either.

Q: How do you feel about pants?
A: Pants are for sissies.

Q: So you have a cat...do you love all animals?
A: No. Birds and squirrels are complete ***holes.

Q: Why didn't you respond to my email?
A: Why did you assume I'd be romantically interested in a 73-year-old toothless shut-in sitting in front of a confederate flag and brandishing a shotgun?

Q: Are you a bigot?
A: Nope. Well, except for the birds and squirrels thing.

Q: Do you own a pony?
A: I do not own a pony.

Q: How about a horse?
A: No horse, sorry.

Q: Donkey?
A: Nope.

Q: Mule?
A: No.

Q: How about a Shetland pony? They're very small.
A: A small pony is still a pony, so no.

Q: Zebra?
A: No zebra.

Q: Seahorse?
A: Uh uh.

Q: Okay, so let me ask you this then...do you own a pony?
A: ...

Q: ...
A: Yes. I do own a pony.


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Two words: alligator wrestling

As most happy couples will attest, nothing secures the bonds of trust better than mortal combat with a pissed off alligator. So what better way to start our lives together than to test our mettle against one of Nature's fiercest predators? And I'm not talking some drugged up, toothless, geriatric gator fresh from the petting zoo. I mean a full-grown eighteen foot maneater raised in the slums of the Florida Everglades on a diet of whiskey and baby goat flesh (I actually wanted to say "kid parts" here but figured it'd probably get my account banned).

So we'll meet in the swamp. Any swamp in the southeastern part of the US should do. We'll don our waders, gloves, and protective goggles (no weapons...that would be cheating!), throw back a couple bottles of liquid courage, and head out in search of our prey. This would be a good opportunity for you to tell me about anything that's on your mind, such as your job, your cat, how your ex screwed you over, what a jerk your boss is, etc. I'll pretend to be interested, but what I'll really be doing is watching for signs of alligator poop. Once we've located our target, it's important to get him nice and angry before the actual wrestling begins. I'll poke him with a stick and you (being the girl) will stand back and insult his appearance, his ancestry, his friends, and generally make him feel crappy about himself. After he's been suitably provoked, we'll count to three and jump him. You take the tail and I'll take the head, and if you can keep me from being dragged underwater and stuffed under a log to be eaten later, I'll love you forever. Otherwise our first date will probably be our last.

Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
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Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not do drugs
Must not be married
Must not smoke