I don't understand it, I ran pictures from magazines through scanners, I hacked into the government's security mainframes for extra processing power, I did everything Weird Science taught me to do to make the perfect woman, yet here I am online. Oh, wait, I forgot to hook up the doll!

Sometimes I think to myself "what is best in life?" and then remember that everything I needed to know in life, I learned from Conan the Barbarian and think of Conan's answer to that question: "to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women. And Mary Poppins." Since Mary Poppins herself is "practically perfect in every way", what better way to describe what I'm looking for in a woman than through the advertisement for a nanny as placed by the Banks children that Mary Poppins responded to (with apologies to the Sherman Brothers).

Wanted, a girlfriend for one adorable guy...

If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition.
Rosie cheeks, no warts...
Play games, all sorts.
You must be kind, you must be witty,
Very sweet and fairly pretty.
We'll go out outings, (I'll treat)
sing songs, bring sweets.
Never be cross or cruel,
never feed me castor oil, or gruel.
You can even have a son and daughter,
just never smell of barley water...

So hurry girlfriend, many thanks,
Sincerly...
slugabed

We can pop in and out of a chalk pavement picture, consort with racehorse persons, go fox hunting, have a tea party on the ceiling, or high-questionable outings of every other kind.