Update: 12/12/2009 - It doesn't look like there's a way to hide/disable your profile, which is really what I need to do since I've been dating someone. I still appreciate mails, but I don't expect them since I'm very unlikely to respond. Good luck out there!

Update: On Friday 6/19/2009, after being goaded into it by friends, I competed in the Seattle 2009 Air Sex Championships. It's like Air Guitar, except replace Guitar with Sex (i.e. a lot more fun). With no preparation or rehearsal, I managed to get into a three-way tie for the final slot, but eventually lost out. If you ask nicely, I may even send you a link to the youtube video of the performance (it is entertaining AND educational). To anyone curious - I HIGHLY recommend at least attending an event. It was hilariously entertaining. If you don't think it sounds like fun...well, we probably won't be a good match. Also, you should learn how to have fun.

Back to our normally scheduled online dating site profile:
When you're reading this there are really only two questions you need to answer:

1. Do I meet your attractiveness bar? (hint: the answer you're looking for here is 'Yes')
2. If you're finicky about height, is 5'7" gonna work for you? (another hint: of course it will - Jon Stewart and Tom Cruise are both 5'7" after all; just think of me as a mix of them*)

If the answer is 'no' to either of those...uhh, the hints are there for a reason! Please use them. :-) Regardless, take a look at my profile anyway - at the very least you'll be entertained.

Since I'm sure the answer to both of those will be 'yes', you're in luck. You name it, I've got it. Er...wait, don't name any bad stuff. I don't have that, only good stuff. Ok. MOSTLY only good stuff, I'm not perfect. YET. :-)

Actually, there is one other thing to consider - if you're looking for a sports fan, that's not me. I may go to a game or two a year with friends, but it's to hang out with friends; not because I care about the outcome of the game.

Other than that, let's run down the typical list of qualities women mention they want in their profiles (ladies, if you have some additional things to add here, let me know!):
- Smart? Yes.
- Funny? Yes, please.
- Charming? Thanks, I'll take two.
- Fun? No, actually. Just kidding, mark this down for YES as well.
- Confident? I'm confident the answer to this one is AFFIRMATIVE!
- Successful? I've got a Dyson vacuum cleaner and a robotic kitty box - is it even possible to get more successful? I think not!
- Responsible? OMG, I have responsibility coming out of my...nevermind.
- Honest? Would I start my profile asking if 5'7" was gonna work for you if I wasn't?
- Showers regularly? Daily. Mostly...
- Smells nice? Uhh...I believe so...
- Tastes great? That's kind of personal...
- Less filling? Wait...what? Did I stumble into a beer commercial?
- Arrogant? WTF, where are these qualities coming from?!
- Outdoors-y? Ok, you got me. I'm not really outdoors-y.
- Not Gay? Last I checked...wait, just so we're clear, saying "Yes" here means "Yes, I am not gay despite my impeccable grooming."
- Impeccably Groomed? This is a lie. I'm typically only well groomed.

Besides all of that, here's the crux of it: I'm a mostly respectful, considerate person, but I can still be an entertaining jerk on occassion (i.e. much better than an annoying jerk). I know, it sounds too good to be true, right? No? It just doesn't make any sense? Damn.

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Other than that, I'm really good at:
Sarcasm. My Job. Driving fast. Public speaking despite being introverted by nature. Procrastinating. Making people laugh. Being crass. Making inappropriate comments. Being logical. Respecting members of the service industry. Casually using profanity. Video games (mostly Xbox 360 recently) - no, seriously; I've won trophies - I'm kind of a big deal :-P. "Singing" Sabotage in Rock Band. Kissing. Sending possibly overly-snarky messages, forgetting that the right tone is hard to communicate in text. Wearing my seatbelt. You know, all the really sexy stuff.

Finally, I'm likely the best Pictionary player in the known universe. No joke - if you're ever in a life or death game of Pictionary, I'm the guy you want on your team.

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A few things to note:
I'm very white, despite having grown up in Hawaii. Since I've been living in WA I've become damn-near translucent. I hope this doesn't continue to the point where I become invisible, because if I've learned anything from watching Hollow Man (besides "Don't watch Hollow Man"), it's that becoming invisible turns you into a huge ***hole.

Also, not to brag (*cough* now I'm going to start "not bragging?!") but I've really got a great smile, and I tend to smile a lot. :)

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You should message me if:
The short answer: you should - I'm friendly. :) The long answer: here are the things I'm looking for in a woman...

Take all the boilerplate stuff, then highlight sense of humor, confidence, intelligence, attractiveness, in good shape (at least average - I straddle the line between athletic and average myself). If you've got that, you're interested, and you're looking to have some fun in your life, fire away!

Of course, I also welcome any random messages or questions you have, or if you want to criticize my irreproachable grammar, chat, whatever...I'm pretty easy-going. :)


*And for those of you who read all the way through for the note referenced by the asterix: I've got all the looks of Jon Stewart and all the humor of Tom Cruise. How can you beat that?

Ok, I hope you're sitting down for this, 'cause this is a pretty sweet date:

The first thing I would for a date is show up on time (unless I get lost, or the directions are wrong - then I might be late, but I'll call!). During the date I would probably listen, then talk. I'd ask questions, then ask follow-up questions. Or maybe I'll mix things up a bit and talk first, THEN listen. After that, when the date comes to a close, I would go home.

This is what I like to call "Kicking it up a notch!" :-P

Seriously though - the key is that, no matter what the date activity is, there has to be time to talk. Also, there has to be an exit available for both of us just in case one of us can't stand the other.

Not likely, but I like to plan for as many outcomes as I can. And I was never a boy scout!