I'm looking for a girl into Midget Tossing and/or Midget Bowling--if you're concerned with safety, don't worry; I wear gloves.

I like watching porn in reverse because it is more realistic that the girl puts her clothes on and walks out at the end.

I like overly emotional girls who cry when I make fun of them.

I love to cook all the time. So ideally you'd love to clean up all the time.

Sometimes I stay up for multiple days throwing beer around my apartment and dancing unrepentantly to 80's classics like Queen and Culture Club on vinyl records. (I live in a tall building and often spot people in other buildings with binoculars pointed in my direction, which has led me to the hobby of shaving my phone number into my chest hair. However, the phone hasn't rung yet)

Interested? Me too.

I've found that the relationship between your weight and the amount I need to drink in order to have sex with you is directly related.