People, if you're not going to read and understand the whole profile before messaging, then please do us both a favor; go ahead and push the little clicky thing and backspace on outta here.

Update: For all of you judgmental(and I stress the mental part)people, the girl in the pictures was a FRIEND of mine with whom I grew up. She's not arm candy nor is she a way for me to show off that I've been with women. Don't judge all men by the turd-burglars you've already met in this under chlorinated gene pool.********

FRIENDS-FRIENDS you nut-jobs! I'm not looking for marriage or a dissertation as to why I should be. Simple enough? If anything else comes out of it, great, but I'm not out to purchase yet, just looking for nice people to hang with and I get along better with women.
Please, for the sake of all that's toasty about toast, do not message me about how I should find a good woman, how I must have been hurt or some BS like that or some other Dr. Phil babbling crap about why YOU think MY profile is the way it is. Trust me, if you think you know about me, you WILL be sorely disappointed and more than a little embarrassed. If I didn't say it, I didn't mean and if I didn't mean it I didn't say it.

I have an immature sense of humor, meaning that everything outside of paying the bills is a target for making fun, including me. I'm also more cynical than the average person, actually, I'm more cynical than the average stadium full of people but again, it's fun so back off.

I'm here because my job makes it so my lifestyle is not conducive to meeting quality people. That, and because I can't stand bars, rednecks, drunks and most people.

I don't have the beard and I don't look as "ethnic" as the picture makes out.


Personal hygiene a must. Personal appearance is important, stop lyin'. What's on the inside makes you stay for the show but what's on the outside makes you stop and buy a ticket.

Able to complete a sentence without using "ya'll, ya know?, girlfriend," or any other beaten-to-death colloquialism that forces an involuntary need to vomit or jump from a bridge while holding a little furry key-chain troll and screaming like a high school girl at a boy band d'jour concert.

No psycho, self deprecating cuckoo clocks. If you're trying to find somebody to increase your self esteem, go read a book or something. My goodness, some of these profiles are so damn full of poo. Maybe mine is too, but I can guarantee the truthfulness of everything I've written.

I'd prefer someone in the law enforcement/investigative field, Federal a plus. Just so I can dump most of the *why are you so weird?* questions and not have to constantly say "Because. It's what we do". :)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Bonus points for knowing (and liking) the origin of the following. (googling doesn't count)
May I be so converted and see with
these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not
be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but
I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster
of me, he shall never make me such a fool.

Starbucks & Cheesecake & Starbucks. Nuff said. (PS...need Cinnamon Altoids)