How to translate classified type 'personal' ads

Affectionate = Horny.
Aging Child = Self centered adult.
My kids are my first priority-- abolutely no parenting skills but 2/3 Salary/Wage goes to ex as alimony according court order
Ample = Large.
Assertive = Pushy with a mean streak.
Attractive = Average and conceited
Average = Below Average
Chatty = Never shuts up.
Cute = Ugly
Dynamic = Pushy
Excited About Life's Journey = No concept of reality.
Sassy = Large and loudmouthed.
(I am) financially secure = I have a job.
(You are) financially secure = You are rich.
Freedom loving = Undependable.
Free Spirited = Crazy and irresponsible.
High Spirited = Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable = Large and flabby.
Independent Thinker = Crazy.
Irreverent = Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Looking for 'Mr/Miss Right' = Looking for Mr/Miss Rich.
Moody = Manic-depressive.
Non Drinker = I just finished the 12 step program.
Passionate = REALLY horny.
(I am) Petite = I am short.
(You are) Petite = You are Size 2.
Poetic = Manic-depressive and boring.
Relaxed = Lazy
Romantic = Horny.
Self Employed = Unemployed.
Slender = Skinny.
Social Drinker = Alcoholic.
Svelte = Anorexic.
Uninhibited = Lacking basic social skills.
Unpredictable = Psychopathic and off medication.
Very Human = Looks like Quasimodo.
Young at Heart = Over 40.
Youthful = Over 50 and in major denial

I'd like to read your bank statement and credit report

Age between 99 and 99
Live within 75 miles.
Must not be looking for Hang Out
Must not be looking for Talk/E-mail
Must not be looking for Long-term
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Dating
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not be looking for Activity Partner
Must not do drugs
Must not be married
Must not smoke