*** Please note that this man does not take himself seriously***


"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here" - motto on an old girlfriend's g-string.


Moving song of the moment: 'Patience', by Take That.

" I'm trying to move on....it's complicated..."


Now, then....


I've been described as being thoughtless, pedantic, racist, immature (thanks, Naggers xx), mischievous (?), drunken, adventurous, balding, daft, opinionated, homophobic, too English (?), lousy in bed, a bit 'gay' (thanks for that, Cal), a lot 'gay' (thanks for that, Jason) unfunny, and Lancastrian (eh?).

I've also been described as being intelligent, good-looking (ok, I made that one up), loyal, manly, thoughtful, passionate, funny (yep, I made that one up, too), great in bed (no, really), friendly, old-for-my-age, romantic, warm, and lampshade.

I was once described as being a simple device that converted beer into urine, and I wondered about inventing a device that could turn urine into beer. I gave up on that idea when I discovered that London breweries have been doing that for years....

In short, it would be useless for me to describe myself when others have had such difficulty.

I don't 'do' relationships. By that I mean, I don't feel as if I have to 'work' on them. Relationships either exist or they don't. If two people enjoy each other's company, and like being together, then that is all they need. If ever one wants to do something without the other, or do something that the other doesn't like doing, then they should be able to do it without the other getting worked up about it. So, I'm quite happy for you to stay at home and do the ironing whilst I go for a spin on the bike.

I don't 'get' the concept of 'high maintenance'. Does it mean that one partner insists upon constant attention from the other? Is that necessarily a 'bad' thing?

I also have a problem with the concept of 'baggage'. It seems to me that it refers to problems with previous relationships that the person wishes to raise continuously in a new one. I can't do with people who appear to have had lousy relationships (where no children were involved, of course), as it begs the question "So why were you with them?". I certainly don't have those relationships - most of my memories are happy ones, because I only have relationships with women who I like and enjoy being with.

So, I promise not to 'bring along' all my previous girlfriends if you promise not to blame all males for the failings of your previous relationships.

(Following a recent ear-bashing, if there ever comes a time when you consider yourself to be in a relationship with me, would you kindly inform me of that fact as soon as possible? Thank you so much.)

Some of my pix contain a dear friend of mine who kindly gave me permission to use them. I'm grateful to her, because I think I look pretty good in them...(feels arm being twisted)...as does she xx

I can talk nonsense for England.....(usually about England, ironically) so it's essential that you are a good listener or have a mute button on your hearing aid - just nod on the odd occasions that you notice my lips have stopped moving.

I'm not looking for romance (it's always best when it turns up unannounced and heavily disguised), but if it were to come along, I can generally spot it, and nothing beats being in love. Sadly, I sometimes confuse 'friendship' with 'romance' - silly me!

I don't really care about age, 'looks' or body-shape - just entertain, educate, or amuse me, and we'll get along fine. It would help, though, if you are funnier than the voices in my head.....

Oh, and I don't 'do' email relationships - if you aren't prepared to talk on the phone, then I'm not really interested. Typing is a pain! I'm here to make friends, which means that there has to be some form of physical contact at some point (even if you're only wanting to strangle me) and a phone call is the next stage after initial contact by email.

What is it with you girls and the 'L' word? I was brought up in a loving family where the word was used all the time, but it seems that I have to be careful when I use it. Telling a woman that I love her can be the 'kiss-of-death' to a relationship. Why should that be so? Does it place her under pressure to respond similarly? No, because I never say that just to receive some sort of validation - I do it because I want her to know how I feel. My parents said that showing your love was more powerful than saying it, but that the odd verbal reminder didn't hurt!

I'm a guy of simple pleasures. It's hard to beat watching the sunrise on a Sunday morning with a special woman, having a gentle cuddle followed by several minutes of lovemaking, rising to eat a Turkish breakfast, spending a few hours sunbathing naked on a pile of small stones with the sea twenty agonising yards away, then watching the football whilst downing a few beers before heading home for a friendly tussle and home-made spag bol or (even better) beans on toast.

I have a morbid fear of being in a crowd of people who are all called Digby Vayne-Trumpington....

I appear to have been adopted by a stray moggy....he's more demanding than the average girlfriend. I now realise the truth in the old adage "dogs have owners, but cats have staff". In a blinding flash of creative inspiration, I named him 'Tiger', but he acts as if he calls himself Thorg The Invincible, Slayer of Rodents, Master Of All I Survey, Duke of Earl.....you get the picture.

The best motorbike I've ever owned was a Vulcan 750, but the Virago 1100 is my favourite. Yes, I'm a huge fan of large twins...

My 'tattoos' wash off within a few days......none of them are real.

I'd rather a woman didn't vote Labour (they obviously know nothing about politics), follow Liverpoo FC (my hate team), have a belly-piercing (uncool and unsexy), and have any Green, 'climate change', 'global bloody warming'( clue: any changes in temperature are caused by that big, hot thing in the sky) or animal 'rights' issues (look, some animals were put on this Earth for me to eat - otherwise, why make them so tasty?).

And we do not 'borrow the Earth from our children'. We give them our experiences, our achievements, and anything resources that we haven't used. We are on this planet to make the best of our lives, and if that involves burning a bit of petrol and breeding a few cows, then I don't see the harm in that.

Being a Yorkshireman, I'm very approachable and friendly, so drop me a line. I'm particularly open to emails from women who are seeking 'intimate encounter'...just so they can tell me what the heck one is!

It depends on the woman, of course - everything I do with someone is by mutual consent, so that they can't moan about it later, lol...

If you're willing to come down the pub and shout at overpaid, under-worked idiots running around a football pitch on telly, then that would be fine with me.

I also like to go for motorcycle rides in the Sussex countryside, and enjoy a glass or two of Harvey's finest.

I wouldn't rule out having a first 'meet' in Tesco's (as happened recently) although please make sure it's not the '10 items or fewer' queue, as it moves far too quickly. Shame the lady had to dash for home with her rapidly-melting ice-cream, or so she claimed.....

I don't 'do' gravity events......if I have to fall off something for kicks, I would need my head examining.