*****ATTENTION ATTENTION - This is a public service announcement - Please be advised that i am not an equal opportunity dater, Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.....wink wink lol!

Funny Joke:
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be reallyrich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
" And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

A brief overview of a day with Mz. Kelz(6/14/09):
I did laundry for the first time in like 50 years, i usually drop off...well little did i know after putting in 20 quaters to equal 60 minutes at 20 minutes a quarter(yea i know the math doesnt add up lol-ripoff)...to dry towels, i realized that the dryer was on LOW and had to put another 20 quarters in to redry the towels...so i was stuck in a 500 degree laundry mat for well over 3 hours....for $400.

then i decided to make espresso in those little italian metal coffee pots, which by the way i do everyday...i put it on the stove, left it for 30 seconds to pee (sorry) and the freaking thing rockets off the stove into the ceiling, which i still laugh at, there was coffee everywhere and i now need to replace the ceiling...as well as paint over the stains on the wall.....

then this morning i was washing the dishes and a cup broke in my hand slicing my fingers open so there was blood everywhere....

So if your looking for a girl who does laundry, cleans dishes and makes coffee...lol im on the injured reserve list!

In my online experience, i have met alot of people and now feel i have to draft a list (from experience) of what i dont want rather than what i do want....so here it goes....lol

If your are interested in me for marriage for a green card, please do not email, i will not date your cousin for a green card either, no matter how much money you offer. But i appreciate your enthusiasm to be an american citizen.

If you have photoshopped your picture, please do not email me, even though you removed that mole in your picture it will be there on our first date and i will see it. I promise.

If your in therapy or have had a nervous breakdown within the last two years, was commited to an institution, or was in rehab, please do not email me.

If you have multiple DWI's or even one, please dont email me, im not a chaffuer.

If you are on medication, require special attention or have special needs, please do not email me.

If your a closet drug addict....or "just party a little", please do not email me, i know what the white stuff is on your nose and its not from the zeppoles cuz we had chinese food tonite you idiot.

If you cant handle your booze and i have to carry you home, even though i am very strong....please dont email me.

If you cry yourself to sleep, (that usually comes after the cant handle booze part...lol)please do not email me.

If you are obsessed with your blackberry or sidekick, please do not email me.

If you think "yo ma" is a good way to get my attention in the street, or calling me "shorty", or telling me i got you "sprung" is sexy, please do not email me.

If your muscles are not yours, and your obsessed with the gym and grilled chicken, please do not email me.

If your ex-gf is your roommate or best friend, lives in the basement or down the hall or even on the same block, please do not email me.

If your overly obsessed with the yankess and would rather watch the game than me clean the house naked, please do not email me.

If you need to be a mile up my butt, txt me silly happy faces, and call 500 times a day to say hi , definetly dont email me.

And last but not least, if you think sundays are for golf and dont realize that sundays are for football, wings and beer, PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ME!

Good luck in your search. O yea, lol mullets and missing teeth are a no no also. thanks!

Dear God:
What happened to all the boyz with tattoos and scruffy faces? What happened to the boys with rough hands and deep voices? What happened to the boys who ride motorcycles and play sports? What happened to all the boys with real muscles?.....Where have all the boys gone?


"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want."
-Muhammad Ali

"Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much."
-Oscar Wilde

"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made."
-George Burns

"In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns."
-'The Godfather'

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies."
-Steve Martin

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
-Gandhi

U Choose.....
Mets or Yankees?
Jets or Giants?
Knicks or Nets?
Rangers or Islanders?
Pamela or Carmen?
Britney or Christina?
Nike or Reebok?
Radio or Satellite?
Linkin Park or Dave Mathews Band?
Mercedes or BMW?
Gin or Vodka?
Red Bull or Rockstar?
Gatorade or Poweraid?
Jay Z or Nas?
Biggie or Tupac?
NKOTB or Nsync?
2WD or 4WD?
Sports Bar or Nudie Bar?
Vegas or South Beach?

Just in case you need help with a starter email ive provided one for you.....

Hi!

My name is __________ (fill in the blank).

I know you have been looking for a guy who _____________, and whose ___________, but who doesn't ____________. Seems impossible to find that type of guy, right?

Well that's why I'm writing to you today--to rescue you from all of the other loser guys out there. Cause if ANYONE understands your situation, it is me: because I KNOW it's been really difficult ever since ____________, and that's why I think we'd get along really well because I too _________________, and now I ______________.


I might be your dream guy. Maybe that's because I ___________, ____________, and am an expert at _____________. And between you and me, I can ___________ like a real pro.

Anyway, I hope you'll give me a chance. Especially since I can _________, so we'd be perfect together.

And, yes, the answer to the big question: I am looking for that girl who _________________, or who will join me at the _______________ for no reason but to hang out and ____________________, or who will go to ____________ with me this summer. Cause I abstolutely LOVE to ____________--crazy, huh?!

So yeah, I am looking for that girl who maybe will become my friend. Because most importantly, I want to become your _______________.

All my love and affection,
and waiting patiently for you my entire life,
___________________________.