Hello, my name is Ryan and I enjoy plays, water colors, puppies, long walks on the beach, stimulating insightful conversati….blah blah blah, let’s get on with it.

Yes, we are men, and sometimes we think with our****. Get used to it. It’s in our nature. Accept it and adapt accordingly. If it weren’t that way, no one would exist. Besides, what would you rather come home to after a very annoying day at work? Some intellectual guy who is ready to talk your ear off about some random crap he’s been pondering all day or a guy who has been thinking about you all day and is ready to have some animalistic sex with you in the shower, in the bedroom and maybe in the kitchen? Sometimes I also think with my stomach so if you cook me something I may not leave for quite awhile. If you think cooking a man dinner is some betrayal of your feminist sisters, maybe you should curl up on the couch with a big bag of chips and chocolate and enjoy a “Sex and the City” marathon so you won’t feel so alone. I am a man, will always be a man, and any attempts to feminize me in any way or mold me into your ideal of some retarded metro-sexual creature will only result in you becoming invisible. I do not and will never understand the “shoe thing” nor do I really care to. Just don’t ask me to come look at some with you. I get it. It’s not about the material objects. It’s about the “act” of shopping, the browsing. This is fine. I accept these things about you and choose not to bother trying to analyze them. Just accept some things about me too. Yes, I love watching men beat one another into a bloody pulp. I am a carnivore and I love the taste of dead animals. Especially little baby ones because they are so damn tender and delicious. If we are out somewhere having a nice evening and a naked woman runs by and I look, it doesn’t mean that I am visually cheating on you. It means, “Holy crap, a naked woman just ran by.” If you ask me what I’m thinking, don’t be surprised if I tell you,”big trucks driving over other little small cars while women jump on trampolines in the background.” This is not to say that I am a moron. I’m just not usually thinking about the secrets of the universe (This last sentence is not entirely true. I often ponder man’s relationship with reality but I just don’t always feel like tediously explaining it). Please, read on.

And just to clear things up:
If you’re the type of girl who posts pictures of yourself looking all serious because you think you like Jennifer Lopez or Ashanti or some other fluff, I can assure you, you don’t. If you’re 39 or 40 and you have your age listed as 32 or 33, you’ve obviously deluded yourself into thinking that you don’t look your age, but I can assure you, you do. If you’re “looking for a guy with goals” and all you’ve ever done is graduate high school, maybe you better rethink your options. If you’re a big huge girl and you post a picture of yourself eating or drinking something, I wish you luck on your quest, you’re going to need it. If you have all kinds of grammar errors and misspelled words in your profile, it’s not going to matter that you’ve just posted up some of your professional modeling pictures; you’re still going to look like a loser. Please ease up with the belly button jewelry. You're pretty, ok? Having a chandelier hanging from your naval is just going to cause you problems at the airport. I also don't feel like having to embarrassingly explain to a doctor that I was playfully wrestling around with my girlfriend who has a giant cauliflower-shaped diamond construct in her belly button and that is why my stomach is lacerated. If you have a tattoo on your boob, you might as well just move on. I wonder sometimes what crosses a woman's mind when she is looking at her boobs in the mirror thinking to herself "hmm, I think a big ass picture of a dragon or skull and crossbones would make these look so much more pretty." Because really, when I'm sucking on your nipple, the exact thing in the world that I want staring back at me is a skull and cross bones. You might as well just get a tattoo on your lower back that says "Biohazard" with a big arrow pointing to your butthole.

Here are a few things that get on my nerves:

Hippies
Ventriloquist comedians
Altruism
Pretty much all politicians (This excludes the libertarians)
Poor people who whine about how broke they are
Crazy animal people (you know who you are)
People who refer to Marines as terrorists
Idiots (this excludes idiots who know they are idiots and refrain from talking)
People who get their history from movies and their news from Saturday Night Live.
People who ride their bikes on the street next to a perfectly good sidewalk
Black people who wear all black and jaywalk in the middle of the night (Get real, ok. Your skin is black, your clothes are black and it’s nighttime. I’m trying not to run you over. Cross at the goddamn light.)
People who think children are all innocent (some kids are downright evil **stards)

I prefer long dates like spending the day together. It allows us to get to know one another better.