I'm reasonably bright, somewhat funny and I can spell.

A few more things you should probably know about me:

- I know 4 people who have spontaneously combusted. Really, I do.

- I feel that there just aren't enough women named "Trixie" anymore.

- I've seen a Victoria's Secret store and I think I know what the secret is - she's a slut.

- I have the body of someone half my age. In the freezer downstairs.

- I believe that people drink Diet Coke because they're fat and thirsty.

- I just bought a new iPhone. It holds 5,000 songs or one message from my mother.

- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

- I broke a mirror, so now I'm supposed to have seven years of bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Boxers.

My kids and friends mean the world to me. I promise that I'm not emotionally and romantically bankrupt like your last boyfriend was. I like to work hard and play even harder. I'm hoping to meet someone who's into experiencing all there is to experience. Would love to meet the woman of my dreams - someone who's willing to try new things or just hang out at a great restaurant or watch a movie. I believe that a day without sunshine is like night.

My pledge to you:
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry **stard who made you feel that way.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will congratulate you on finally having had sex.
4. When you are worried, I will tell you to quit your whining and share boring scenarios about how much worse things could be.
5. When you are confused, I will use little words.
6. When you are sick, I will ask you to stay the hell away from me until you are well again. It won’t do either of us any good if I catch whatever you have.

It doesn't matter what we do or where we go on a first date, just as long as chemistry is there with us. (Chemistry can be a good thing and a bad thing: it's a good thing when you use it to make love, but not so good when you use it to make crack.) No matter what anyone says, we all have baggage. Hopefully yours is just a carry-on.